Day: May 30, 2005

the goal that became my guilt

a few hours after sebastian was born, the paedatrician came into the room with his tape measure. although sebastian was "just" (obviously he hadn’t delivered the baby) 6lbs7oz, did we know that his head was way off the charts, in the 110 percentile?

and although i was feeling pretty good, i thought, "yes, that’s what it felt like at the time."

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30 may is today.

30 may was a day on which many hopes and dreams were pinned.in 2003, the day before i went in for egg retrieval, i went to babycentre.com and typed in my day of ovulation. based on that date, babycentre declared that my due date was going to be 30 may 2004.

the day i poas (that’s peed on a stick for you infertility rookies) and saw those blessed two lines, i ran to the calendar, flicked to the back where 2004 spread ahead, and circled 30 may.

the 10 days i was in hospital with ohss, i focused on 30 may. the pain of ohss was worth it. 30 may was one day closer.

30 may.

upon learning we were having triplets, 30 may as a due date was no longer possible. april 30 was the best case scenario. but still…30 may was still my target.

days of semi bedrest caused by spotting…don’t get addicted to the jetson’s and the flintstones just yet, you’ve got until to 30 may to be watching.

i was the little engine that could, the turtle and the hare and any other inspirational tale i could think of. i think i can i think i can. oh i wanted to get as close as i could to 30 may…slow and steady wins the race.

except on 23 feb, at six months exactly, i delivered my little jasper, sela and carys. or should i say they tell me a team of 20 delivered the babies while i lay there.

no more 30 may.

i had known from "the books" that at 26 weeks your child has a good chance of surviving if born prematurely, but i had never considered that i would deliver early. everything had been going so well…

i angrily looked at my daytimer where i had created a calendar that counted down the weeks. and tore my eyes away from 30 may and concentrated on day by day.

three babies, their heads the size of a small tangerines. their heads so small they were off the charts.

30 may.

30 may became the day of their "adjusted" birthday was.

"they’re actually doing very well considering they haven’t really been born yet…30 may was their due date" was a safe answer we could give people when they asked how the triplets were doing and we were scared we would start crying if we really told them how alien, still, and anguished the babies really looked.

when they got home and were in a room with another child around their age, and even though you’re not supposed to compare children how can you not, we would say, "well, 30 may is their real birthday, they shouldn’t be doing that yet."

30 may.

30 may is today. tomorrow, no matter how we look at it, carys, jasper and sela are one year old.

and right now, as i look over the pictures of how big their heads were, i can forget that they are not "acheiving" what a one year old should be, and i am going to wonder over the fact that the babies have survived and thrived for one year.

i despair over the vomit. yet there was a time when they were only taking .5ml through the ng (nasal gastric) tube every 3 hours.

i despair (thanks to the PT..like my imagination wasn’t competent enough) that they arent walking yet. i can remember a time when carys couldn’t lie on her back because that position put too much pressure on her lungs.

i despair as i run away to breathe on my own and to turn a page of a book without six hands pulling at my pants, that i am not giving them enough attention. yet i can remember a time when i couldn’t speak to them because it caused their heartrate to speed up. they knew me even then.

30 may was the day the doctors looked at them and said, "okay, you’re official. you’re here."

but even then, we were cautioned that preemies take up to three years to catch up to their actual milestones. definitely forget 23 feb, and forget 30 may too.

forget 30 may? that goal that became my guilt?

can i?

i’m trying. and i’m happy to say that 30 may feel like just any other day. except, it is 3pm, and no one has vomitted yet. 

magnificent has provided a succinct and accurate summary of our weekend on his blog, so i will write about: unsolicited applications.

word has gotten out that our embryos are "on the market". mc and i have received emails from people who had heard through friends that we were donating our embryos and wanted to suggest themselves, and also from other people who had read on the adoption agency’s board that the embryos were up for adoption, and even though they did not want to submit their name via the agency, they did a google search for lyons hong kong…and voila, found our email address. contacted us privately.

these "rogues" are not bad people. you have to admire initiative. but as potential couples get more and more creative (and bend agency rules), it does strike home that there are a real shortage of embryos as opposed to the couples desperate for a chance to adopt them.

one couple got a little over enthusiastic, and after i replied that we were going through an agency, kept sending me pictures of their house (repeatedly) and their wedding album. (they have been married for 10 plus years, why are the most recent pictures of their wedding?)

so it’s a bit overwhelming right now, and we just have put the topic to the back of our vomit soaked minds and will focus on it when we again have the strength.

two more topics to handle before leaving for holidays: 5,555 – talk to the doctors about the possibility of reglan for the babies. we need to determine what is causing this vomitting. gag reflex? overfeeding? where does it start, and why is it happening.

5, 556 – they need to see a dietician. they’re sick of milk, and want tasty food. however, topic 5,555 results when they eat food. but minus the milk and protein, they are missing out on some nutrients maybe (they find a lot of fruits too acidic) so i should probably get on a diet.

tomorrow is a landmark day…