where do birds and bees come from?
"mummy, how did i come out of your tummy?"
this tantalising bomb dropped out of my son’s mouth the other day as we stood in the lineup at park n shop. the long lineup, naturally.
sebastian does not have a quiet voice. heads jerked up all around me and i saw smiles, rolled eyes, and conspiratorial glances, and some embarrassed looking men, all wondering how i was going to handle this one. i was wondering the same thing.
sort of like your life flashing infront of you right before you die, as my mouth emptied itself of saliva and i began sweating elsewhere, i frantically wondered why he was asking this question now. we had put rock melon, yakult, milk (was it the milk? a connection to lactation?) and biscuits (the type that people take when they have morning sickness?) into the cart. in the lineup, sebastian had asked me to tell him a story, and ding dong double damn it, i had been stupid enough to say, "when you were in mummy’s tummy, i used to come here a lot, it was a nice walk and it kept you and me healthy."
it wasn’t stupid though, how was i to KNOW he would ask this question?
as i often do in these progressing years, i asked myself (just as sebastian repeated the question in a louder voice), what frugal blake would do. divert, and go with a joke, i heard him whisper. i would give it a try.
i cleared my throat and looked into my son’s questioning, large and lovely eyes.
"ha ha, are you just asking me that because mummy’s tummy is so small and flat?"
"no" he said scornfully and crushingly, and the listeners behind me squinted their eyes and ducked their heads in an "ouch" sympathetic way. "i want to know how the baby gets out. i didn’t stay in your tummy, i came out. how, mummy?"
and then, before any recovery could be had, and before i could find a mirror and examine my obviously massive and droopy stomach, he hit me with another comment that shows he must be watching "A BABY STORY" (even though we don’t get that channel in hong kong). "did they cut the babies when they came out of you?"
"yes, yes, they did."
"did it hurt? what did they use? scissors?"
"no, they used a knife, and it didn’t hurt because they gave mummy some very nice medicine that made it not hurt." i considered expanding that sentence to include…."until i woke up and then it ached and the stupid morphine drip didn’t work and it was numb and screaming red hot at the same time" but didn’t think such honesty would benefit him at this time in his life.
caesarean sections. preferable to va-jay-jay delivery enlightenments, but still not a favourite topic, especially since the people behind me i felt were going to give me grades at the end of the discussion if it ever ended. however, young cub reporter sebastian still had questions. and while he can’t remember who he played with at school, he showed a stunning aptitude for getting back to the heart of the issue in this case.
"so, did they cut your tummy when i came out of your tummy?"
"well, no."
"so mummy, how did i come out?"
oh man. was this really going to happen now? if i so much as even mentioned the word va-jay-jay (and please know i have no problem saying the technical word and am teaching my children that word, i just don’t want any weird googlers), seb would be enchanted and listening. i couldn’t lie to him…my options were looking limited all right. learning about sex ed in the park n shop? that could get a therapists’ kid through braces and dental school.
suddenly, i remembered my friend jane, who recently had this discussion with her older son. i had a phrase. i stopped floundering and said calmly,
"well, sebastian, the mummy has something called a birth canal. and the baby follows that and that is how they come out."
he considered this statement, and i think found it quite boring. and then said.
"canal. like boats."
and as much as that gave me a visual image i can do without, i saw my window of opportunity and said, "yes, you went sailing last summer. would you like to go again this summer?"
"yes, i would like to sail with my daddy."
diverted, thank you God.
so, a momentary reprieve and i just hope that magnificent is around when sebastian next asks that question. i have given him the birth canal line, and mc will use it.
sail on, my friend
good times never felt so good.
isn’t he a little young to be asking that question? do i need to buy him an annoying book now?
