what i have lost
while i am sure there are several hundred millimetre sized doll hands, battery enclosure covers and other items missing, i have lost something else.
it has been missing for a while now, but i am only able to write about it now.
i have lost my "cuddly boy".
jasper is no longer content to wander up to me in the middle of a playdate and crawl into my arms, smile seductively, and relax, gently stroking my arm with his fingers. or after lunch. or…or. you get what i am saying.
he is still a loverboy, and still quick with the winning words, but the spontaneous and lingering* cuddles just aren't there anymore. the thrill is gone,the thrill is gone baby.
this has hit me rather hard. sebastian never was a cuddler, and as you might suspect, i was grateful when the majority of the triplets STOPPED their cuddling phase, since it coincided with clinging. i was so grateful to see them exploring their world, it did masses for my guilt relief. and besides, i had jasper, my cuddler. my dozy, goodnatured little lad who could always be counted on to roam, not too far, and return for some love.
the other day we were at playtown (an indoors playground) and the kids were racing around. jasper came for a drink of water. it had been a while since i had seen any of the kids, so i beckoned jasper to me. he gave me "the smile" and sidled over. i picked him up and plopped him on my lap. he was still for less than five seconds, then upright again. "i have to go! my team is looking for me!" he declared.
as he ran away, i looked at janne and said, "i am losing my lover"
and she put her hand on my arm and replied, "yes, you are."
*i should add that when jasper knows he should be a) getting ready for bed b) in bed c) cleaning d) doing something he finds unpleasant, jasper is more than willing to approach me and cuddle. but really, how do i feel knowing that he sees cuddling with me as the lesser of two evils? am i that desperate and longing for a baby cuddle?
truthfully………sometimes.
