i have seen friends of mine fall in love with unplanned oopsy-daisy-babies. most recently, tertia. my new zealand friend trinie. my girlfriend laurel, mum to the gorgeous danielle.
so the other day, when my calendar reminded me to pull out the mattress sized feminine products out and prepare myself for five days of fun, i was a little disconcerted when nothing happened. not even a cramp. but not overly surprised. i like to plan ahead because i don't like getting caught short.
so, i reckoned, the next day. FOR SURE. but, no.
i assured myself "Tomorrow" for three days, until saturday when i began playing games i have not played for five years. squeezing b00bies. looking for veins. and getting scared when i stood up too fast and was dizzy and then remembering sharply with relief that the very same thing happened to me in kota kinabalu when i stood up in the 35 above heat.
sunday, i just began panicking. could i possibly be having a baby? 39 is a FINE time for others to have babies. but NOT ME. i barely have enough time for my four existing children, five would be wayyyy too many, or one too many. where would it sleep? how much would it cost? what would i do? i have relentlessly given every single baby item away. this is terrible. i am terrible. surely not worthy of being a mother again.
charles kept asking me if anything was wrong and for a minute i wanted to unburden myself. after all, this, (which is nothing) could be his fault too. "It takes two, buddy…you were there". but until i knew there was a problem (aren't i a cow, calling the non baby a problem?) i didn't want to say anything.
sunday night i got a little teary. sort of like i did the day i saw three heartbeats on the ultrasounds. charles looked around and cuddled me which just made me realise that i am not ready to be a mother again. i cant even look after myself.
and today, my cycle righted itself. i am crampy and grouchy and so relieved.
my friend susan brought me six beautiful peonies yesterday, and they are blooming and well.
