Several years ago Sebastian was diagnosed with among other things: social anxiety, dyspraxia, partial dyslexia and ADD (Inattentive).

Charles and I were extremely grateful that the school discouraged us from medicating, but supported us in whatever we chose to to. We did try Ritalin, but Seb had such a negative reaction both times that he took it that after very short stints, we removed him from the drug. I know several kids on ritalin and it works very well for them.

Maybe it is because Seb is my first born, or maybe it is because he is special needs, but he has really defined motherhood for me. I KNEW in my marrow, from the day he was born that he was not what would be defined as "normal"(whatever normal is). I knew it.

I have struggled so much to accept that the playing field is not equal with special needs children. His accomplishments are not going to be the same as other children's. I have struggled with guilt. Wanting to blame myself. Getting caught in self blame could prevent me from the hard work of working with Seb to develop coping strategies.

Right now, Seb is understanding that he is different from other children. He resents that he has learning difficulties and has to try harder to achieve something than an "able learner" would. What he needs to do is get over the self pity and get on with learning. As soon as he is passionate about something this will happen. But dyspraxics and children with ADD are known to be immature, and goodness knows, Seb is young and self conscious for his age.

We're getting there.

I can't condemn him because every day is a new step for me too. Trying to figure out effective coping strategies….all new. Understanding the balance between humouring him and getting the job done. Trying to get him to understand reality. It is such a balance and I am not adept on the fine wire.

I yearn for the day when Seb is willing to work with me instead of presenting indifference. I don't know if that will ever happen though.

I am looking at Seb in secondary school as a climb up Everest. Christmas and Summer breaks are base camp rests, where we rejuvenate and recover. And then we continue on, together.