…let me count the ways i have fallen short.

in the past 24 hours three of my kids (100 per cent of my three youngest) have really ticked me off.

let's begin this chronologically instead of managing it emotionally.

i was asked to bake five dozen cookies/squares for the CALL2ALL, a religious retreat happening in hong kong. of course i agreed. i enlisted the girls help for the brownies and reckoned the boys could help me make the rice krispie squares (i always try to make RK squares for the nut and wheat intolerant types out there..don't want them to go hungry!)

so i threw one packet of brownies into the bowl and gave the next packet to carys. she was very pleased and cut the plastic carefully, and then we cracked two eggs, dropped them into the mix, fished out the shell, poured in oil, water, and Bob's your uncle.

well, i was so engrossed in supervising carys that i did NOT see sela, practically self igniting infront of me.

sela? i inquired.

hmph! she responded.

SELA. i said in a voice that brooked no argument. would you like your turn?

mummy? why does carys get more turns than me? you are being nicer to her than you are to me. you love her more!

i was stunned. where had this come from. not the temper, i mean she is CHARLES' daughter (hey, i almost said that with a straight face)…but this little cow comment?

i explained that there were three packets. one for me, one for carys, one for sela. each one of us would get to crack two eggs, pour oil, pour water and then they could share stirring duties. i told her it hurt my feelings to think that she actually believed that i could love one child more than the others. she apologised and said she was just sad that she might not get a chance to cook because she loves cooking very much. (when i had announced it was baking time sela ran to put on a fave dress and necklace…obviously a special occasion).

so.

feeling mildly guilty i sent the girls away to play and then the boys (jasper couldn't go outside because his lungs are bad right now) and i made rice krispie squares. i cut up the brownies and then the girls returned.

carys saw the empty brownie pan (please, this is not a blog judging my manky housekeeping skills, and if you were doing to, may i gently redirect you back to feeling sorry for me, where you ought to be) and demanded shrilly, "did the boys eat brownies?" totally ignoring my question, "how was the playground my love?" when i did not confirm her question she asked again, loudly, "did you give the boys brownies and not the girls?"

and again, i said, "how was the playground carys, did you have a nice time?" and she ignored me.

"why didn't the girls get brownies" (actually, she said bwownies) and why not? you give bwownies to the boys because you love them and they get to make wice kwispie sqwares!" you are not nice to the girls! come on sela!" she burst into tears and tried to get her sister to join her.

"carys!" i admonised and sent her to the thinking chair.

after five minutes while i cooled down, i took carys and said that it upset me that she thought i loved the boys more than the girls, because i make a real effort to treat everyone the same. i did not say what i was thinking, "even when the lot of you are acting particularly unlovably!" i told her that i had to take the "bwownies" out of the pan to give them to the people who would be eating them, and that no baked good should stay in a pan for too long, otherwise it gets soggy (there's never a bad time to drop in a baking tip!)

i asked her to apologise. she asked me if she could have a brownie after she apologised. i forget what i answered but i did leave the room shortly afterwards. (didn't slam door).

i went to the dining room soon after that. the kids were eating and after their dinner were given a rice krispie treat and a brownie. jasper chose not to finish his dinner and was denied dessert. he was not full,he was entertaining. upon learning the sad truth, he burst into tears. and screamed. i told him the screaming hd to stop, he had inconvenienced me with his long dinner, but the screaming was way too much. i took him too his room, gave him his inhaler, let him blow his nose, and he fell asleep in two minutes. not before he could wheeze out, "you gave the others dessert, you love them!"

he didn't figure out that i didn't love him. obviously he was very tired or that would have been his next sentence. or else his asthma is very bad and he is saving his breath.

honestly. i do try to treat them equally, but when it comes to sweeties, they are shrews.

i tell them i love them, i hug them, i go on field trips, i play GO FISH, i read with them…is chocolate such a big deal that it make them feel i didn't love them? are they saying that and meaning it?

end of story, after the jasper incident i took the leftover pan of brownies to my room and ate them myself. today – out of sight, out of mind, no accusations at all. feel like slightly spotty, v. overweight problem solver.