for the past month or so i have been playing around with cocktails.
manhattans, cosmo’s…how unutterably 2003. we’re talking drug cocktails, anticonvulsant ones at that.
it really was time, and so i started one called lamactal. it seemed to work rather well, with the exception of the double vision. however, i justified the double vision with: it’s not like a drive, and wtih four kids, seeing eight didn’t seem like such a stretch.
the blinking red light with lamactal was a red rash on the neck and face. if it appeared, cautioned my neurologist, whom i know wants this to work, stop immediately. but if nothing happened after four weeks, chances were very good that nothing would.
i wrote about the early days of the drug, when all was pretty good, and after four weeks and c ontiually upping the medication while lowering the epilim, i was thinking i had found a long term cocktail and was pretty content. that next day, i noticed a rash on my lower chin. thought it was the new face cream and ignored it. it spread upwards. was itchy.
reluctantly i dialed the dr who said STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.
so i did.
i am now on topamax, which sounds like a denture cream. it’s been two weeks and today mc and i were flipping through the "WELCOME TO TOPOMAX" guidebook and evaluating the sideeffects.
i am extremely tired and have no energy. we thought that was the clinical sideeffect of children, but apparently in the anticonvulsant world, we call it asthenia. i definitely have that. and also, my fingers go numb at odd times, but if i lived through a caesarean section and feeling numb for a year around the incision site, what’s an hour or so on my tingly finger? my concentration seems to be okay, and there seems to be no slurring of speech that either mcharles or i have noticed, which took us to mood swings.
well i guess we’re okay there, i said and shut the book
what do you mean okay there? asked magnificent
well i don’t seem to be suffering from those, i said, and then caught sight of his face, oh crap.
that’s one of the things i dislike. everyone knowing but me. "have i?"
he shrugged and smiled and tried not to make me feel worse but of course did because in becoming even a better long suffering victim spouse i was the cruel mood swinging on a vine like tarzan on speed tess taking advantage and psychologically cowing my entire family.
"think over the past couple of weeks, tess, and you tell me" suggested mc, who lets his wife draw her own conclusions…less painful and confrontational that way.
i thought about the past 10 days or so, remembered certain incidents and my reactions. but still…it wasn’t making sense.
"huh" i shrugged. "i thought that was just you guys."
Reader interactions
7 Replies to “i want a new drug”
How disappointing, Tess. I do hope that something can be done to reduce the side effects of this drug, or that you can find a much better one!
It’s so hard to figure out whether moods (anxiety, depression, irritability) are partly caused by meds, or the time of the month, or lack of sleep, or a headache or other illnesses. I always think it’s that my kids, and my husband, and the world, are being especially unreasonable and annoying and frustrating… It’s only with hindsight, hours later or the next day, or even longer, that the other explanations occur to me. And it’s quite annoying to think that some of the problem might have been my fault.
The kids can be noisy and silly on many days, but whether I respond in a calm manner, or feel like it’s the last straw and I’m going to have to kill somebody, depends a lot on my health that morning. I hate not being in complete control of my feelings and my actions. I am learning that I have to take care of myself to be a better mother and a nicer person to have around.
Must go get some sleep, or tomorrow’s not going to be a very fun day around here. Best wishes,
The anti-convulsant road has been a long one for you, Tess. Long and winding and full of annoying challenges. But you know what I see? I see you continuing to face the challenges, to take the difficult first steps down a new path, being – what Dad and I have always said – very courageous. So, if you haven’t got it all nailed down yet, Tess – not to worry, darling. You are making a great go of it and getting better at it all the time. Our hats off to you, sweetheart.
Love, M xox
oh, come on. you know it was just those guys. it always is. at least around here it is. i know i’m always the helpless victim in any scream-fest around here. yup. perfectly innocent. that’s me. perfectly in control. and that’s what i will keep telling myself!
Hiya Tess!
I’m on Lamictal. It has been a lifesaver for me, ‘course we have different illnesses.
Anticonvulsants can be used as mood stabilizers for the bipolar folks. I have heard great things about Topamax as well, and that people have lost weight while on it.
Good luck to you with it. The lamictal shouldn’t have caused the mood swings, though! Maybe it was all them. : )
Hang in there Tess, think of your quest.. along the lines of the Cinderella story. you are looking for the perfect fitting shoe for your foot. Kind of a new version of the story,but I think you get my drift.
Are you teaching your kids to say “Go Oilers?”
Love Auntie Pammie
I hope the right one clicks, Tess. I know a ‘good’ side effect of Topamax is weight loss… 😉
Hang in there and best wishes on your way!
‘thought it was just you guys’? Sorry you are having such a challenge in finding something that works for you. Hopefully you will get to it. Good luck.