i used to associate with a drug, or the sound an egg made when i sharply smacked a knife against it. a plumber, even.
no more.
just as parenthood has altered my vision of what is an acceptable way to look when leaving the house, my priorities, my experiences…just like a slow moving jellyfish in a horror movie, parenthood has subtly overtaken my definitions of words.
crack is the sound my heart makes when i remember the doctor urging charles and i to have a selective reduction performed on one of the triplets. it would have been jasper that was reduced. i look at him, rocking on the floor and flexing his fingers and lungs, and i cannot imagine my world without this beautiful life in it. crack
crack is the sound my heart makes when i see sela trying to keep sebastian’s attention. she dotes on him, and sometimes, sometimes, he will shine the light of his affection on her. she tolerates being lugged around, dropped, pushed, ordered…all things she would normally not stand from a parent or fellow triplet. she laughs at his songs and actions, and grins when he plays with her. and then he gets bored and moves on, and she looks after him so wistfully and calls out a forlorn sound that i know is for him, to no avail. he’s gone. crack.
crack is the sound my heart makes when i see carys, trying so desperately to walk like her big sister does. she gets so excited when someone holds her by the fingers, and she wants to walk, she screams with delight, and then she takes one step, possibly two, then collapses to the ground. and we clap for her and she looks up overjoyed and makes her hoarse cry, expressing her frustration and excitement. and my heart cracks again.
crack is the sound my heart makes when i watch sebastian reaching out to people. he is slowly emerging from his shell, and as his language improves he has more confidence. he tells more people he loves them. watching him excited about his life, waving to the float plane pilots and the joy on his face when they waved back TO HIM! they wave to me mummy! they wave! and another piece of my heart breaks.
crack is the sound my heart makes when i look at the pictures of the babies. their hospital stay…and then afterwards. we thought they were so huge when we brought them home but they were tiny! ridiculously so. how did they survive? why were they chosen? my heart dissembles as i remember looking at all of them sleeping in the cot together, the only things on their once tube covered faces were the tears dropping from our eyes. another piece of me.
crack is the sound my heart makes when i remember magnificent charles, so many days, so many ways, reminding me of his love. he cracked the shell of my heart, and it hasn’t stopped crumbling since that day in 1996.
just about every day something else happens for the now familiar bittersweet crack to pang and my eyes to well up as i observe something so sad and sweet. and i suppose that is why my definition of crack has changed so utterly: it is the action the heart makes to accommodate the daily growing love.
Reader interactions
12 Replies to “crack is the word”
Oh Tess…your post was so wonderfully put. Those cracks you speak of never stop. As your children get older those cracks get louder and more prominent. As your child stands there looking you in the eye face to face…your heart will crack a little more. Trust me I understand all too well. Remember those cracks well as that will carry you thru puberty as well as thru adulthood for your wonderful children. Just remember you have those wonderful CRACKS to lean on as you get older!!!!!!
Wish I could have seen you when you were hear in Kelowna….talk to ya soon
Love Carmen
What a truly wonderful post. You capture perfectly how kids open you up emotionally.
And you’re not the only one who cracks when she sees the triplets – they are so gorgeous, so alive, so resilient.
that was lovely
Made me cry again before work.. Score Tess 6 , Auntie Pammie 0. I have to stop reading your blogs in the morning.. See you all in 6 days !!!
xoxox
Um….I have red eyes and tear stains on my blouse.
Wonderful writing…as per usual. You never fail to inspire!
That my friend was beautiful!
Tess, this post made my own heart crack, because I recognized my own emotions as I watch my two daughters grow up, which you so aptly put into words.
I have been reading your blog since day one, and this was one of the most beautiful and insightful things you have written so far, so much so that I had to, finally, post a comment.
Sending you a big smile from Toronto!
A.
Thank you Tess. So true. Imagine how your own Mothers’ heart is cracking to see her grown daughter in the light of a young mom. Give her a hug. and you too.
what they all said.
HugS!
Oh, Tess…yes…yes…yes. Everything you said. I especially feel that crack when I remember our own doctor recommending SR. I look at Sophia and think how incredibly empty our world would be without her smile, her amazement at everything, her sweetness. And I see my boys and remember their struggle in the NICU and am filled with more pride than I can stand to know how far they’ve come. Gosh this parenthood thing is overwhelming…in so many beautiful ways. Thank you for reminding me today as I’m exhausted from being up much of the night with my teething little William.
and now this is my favorite post of all time. Thank you. xoxo
LOVE this post! Choked me up a bit. : )