there is a wide diversity of opinions that declare what determine your perspective. the weather, where you are in your cycle, your weight, if rob and amber won the amazing race…whatever.

however, all these opinions are wrong. it all comes down to sleep.
and i can say this, because i did not get any last night. and i am an irrational beast because of it.

where did it all go wrong? we had a truly GREAT day yesterday, visiting at (unruffled) denby’s house, and the kids had a great time. jasper was dazzled with the females, and carys and sela saw role models! then we got home, and learned that mila’s mobile phone, which she had accidentally left in the taxi, HAD BEEN RETURNED TO OUR FLAT. incredible!

babies had a good sleep, everything was going really well. in the afternoon, sela was on a roll, crawling everywhere and babbling away. while she stormed across the floor and back, jasper sat beside me with one hand on my knee, and carys pulled books from the bookshelf. it was easy going and it was wonderful. i got an email from charles saying he was having an incredible weekend.

and then it was that wonderful hour, when the kids were quiet. i started my taxes, caught up on some work, read some emails (more on that next week), and cut up some broccoli.

at midnight, i was in the nursery checking on sebastian. for the last week we have not been waking sebastian up in the middle of the night to do wees. and, so far, every morning, his bob the builder pants (ie: bobs) have been dry. but i just wanted to check up on his dryness factor.

while in there, i heard a crinkle and rustle, and when i turned to exit, saw sela staring at me. she was standing and looking cute. i picked her up, laid her down and left the room. ten minutes later, she started crying. i was in the playroom at this point, and after five minutes, i went in the room and noted that jasper was stirring. i laid sela down again, patted her tushie for about 15 seconds and she drifted off.

same thing happened at around 1 am and 2am. remembering that i dont’ sleep well when charles is out of town, i of course was awake for these crying sprees. again, i patted, again she drifted off. i was just beginning the drift off process myself around 3.30 when i heard sela again. this cry was different…and when i went to her i saw she was in pain. i picked her up and took her out of the room (which we rarely do when we have middle of the night wailers) and saw that she has a tooth coming in. wondered briefly if i had been grateful that sebastian never had teething issues.

i took sela to bed with me and tried to get her to settle there. instead she would lay whimpering. and moving a lot. neither of us were sleeping, so we watched a fish called wanda. given that it is filmed in britain, i see it as an educational show. then there was a james stewart/judy garland movie called the ziegfield girl, and we had to watch that, because we were both still awake and well, it is a historical movie.

every once and a while i would get hopeful. sela would be draped over my chest her torso bent and her legs on the mattress, and she would be still. and i would think, sorry judy, i don’t care how well choreographed your number is..if this kid is asleep so am i. just inevitably, usually just as i dared to hope she might actually be asleep, sela would raise herself up, look at me and change the topic of my thoughts.

after judy became a star and jimmy’s girlfriend died, sela was really awake, and getting talkative. grabbing her feet and conversing with them. not listening to my side of the conversation which amounted to, sela, will you please go to sleep. i will give you my engagement ring. just go to sleep.

she just got happy when i became involved in the conversation. why talk to your feet when mumma is apparently awake.

i grabbed her and took her out to the living room area. closed the doors. it was 5.15. how could this child be functioning for goodness sake. olivia was ecstatic to see us and meowed non stop. sela was thrilled. finally an active conversational partner. i put sela on the floor and she crawled around, but was always coming back to me to get my input on things. she wanted to be picked up, she wanted to be put down. she wanted to stand, she wanted to crawl.

finally it was 7am, it was time for her breakfast, everyone else was awake, and i suddenly turned into TERRIBLE MUM. daylight touching my haggard features turned me into a wraith. if someone had touched my twitching eye or the pounding spot on the top of my head, i probably would have turned to dust. if i could be guaranteed sleep, i would have done it myself.

every noise was magnified several million times. doors shutting, chairs being pulled, the tear of velcro being pulled across a nappy. laughs resembled the sound you get when ice is put in the blenders, and it seemed sebastian was whinging. you just have no idea what a bad mother i was this morning. (very).

even as i type this, still top-toothless sela is standing near me, stretching to be picked up, extending her neck so i can see how she is yearning to be held. i have ignored her for 20 minutes and now i must end this post so i can go over to my own little ziegfield girl for a cuddle.