can you explain this to me?

yes, i may be great at preventing carys from exiting dramatically, but i don't understand myself. at ALL.

i need some insight and for this, i turn to you.

around four years ago, i realised i was ready to leave hong kong. i was not homesick, i was not any less in love with hong kong, but my wanderlust had kicked in. i was ready for new sights, smells, horizons, running paths and experiences for the family.

charles was quite definite he didn't want to move back to canada. it wasn't until we had a very close shave moving to the US that we realised that we didn't know if we were ready for silicon valley. we knew we didn't have enough money, that was certain!

so for the past four years, i have stayed in hong kong. charles has changed jobs, i know we are here for…a while. my children are very happy here. and i am taking care of the wanderlust in my own ways. the night hiking, the travelling alone or with a girlfriend in china, the wandering alone in streets in sheung wan and sai ying pun, i can always find something new, even in a city i have known since 1997.

and i love pokfulam. our community.
though i know if charles got a job elsewhere, i could leave tomorrow.

so i am ready to leave hong kong. i know this.
yet, apparently i am not ready to leave pokfulam for another location in Hong Kong.

Could someone please explain this to me?

For the past few years, charles has been pressuring us to move to the Sai Kung clearwater bay area. if we moved to this area, we would have a garden, a three story 2100 square foot home, a roof terrace and I have resisted. Excellent reasons all. the kids are happy where they are, they don't want to change schools. the bus system isn't so reliable. i might be isolated.

it would be a fantastic house. space. fresher air. for half the price of what it costs to buy a flat here that is half the size and has no view.

WHY AM I SO UNWILLING to leave my community but i am willing to leave the country?

 

wunning away fwom home

the other day i came home early from work so I could be there to discuss the kids' day before they started their 30 minutes of reading that is our after school schedule.

twice a week i am home by 3.30pm so i can be there for de-brief.

this day, sela burst in to my room and started filling me in on a challenge she was having at school and possible ways of solving it. in the background, i could hear carys stomping (she didn't take off her shoes?) and i knew i wasn't impressed…her voice was loud and angry. she came in to my room and i said I was busy with sela, i would talk with her next. with narrowed eyes, and barely opening her mouth, she informed me my time would not be necessary, as she, carys, was wunning away.

I now became aware of howls that i identified as jaspers. he stuck his head in the door and choked out, "mum! carys is running away! forver! stop her!" he was distressed and red, while the soon to be APB was cool as a cucumber.

she was holding baby alive, and wearing her pink travel backpack.

dressed still in her pe kit and wearing flip flops.

my heart flipflopped. running away? what had i DONE?

i told carys as calmly as i could that i was just wrapping things up with sela, and i would be there in a minute.

sela looked at me and said, "she won't run away."

jasper popped his head inside and shouted, "YES SHE WILL!" tears pouring afresh down his face.

i said, "i don't want her to."

i asked sela, "are we done here?" and she agreed we were and asked if she could stay in my room, turn on the a/c and wear my cosy robe for two minutes. i said yes.

i left sela and headed to the front room, jasper attached to me, urging me to run. indeed, carys was there, headed for the door. SEE MUM! stated jasper SHES LEAVING!. i asked her what happened. hand on the doorknob, she informed me, "i was walking home from school today and i know that x and y were talking about me mummy. I heard my name when they were whispering. they huwt my feelings. i was so sad. they made me cwy. i am never going to let them make fun of me again, so i am going to wun away."

HOORAY! it wasn't me!

still, she was sad. tears were streaming down her face.

"MUM! she can't go!" pleaded jasper. "Running away isn't safe! There are baddies!"

a little part of me, the detached journo part of me was curious as to where she would go.

my mum ran away when she was a tot. she made it to the end of her driveway and no farther because her suitcase was so heavy. she had packed comic books. i had never run away, and i think this is because my mum made us spend so much time outside in freezing cold edmonton that we saw it as a treat to be inside in the warmth.

however, i didn't like seeing my little carrot-sticks all sad. and jasper was driving me around the bend, but he was a very active conscience/id/whatever.

time to be mummy.

"oh carys."

"goodbye mummy."

NOOOO CARYS! wailed jasper.

"may I take a picture of you before you go?"

she agreed and i took two snaps.

STOP HER MUMMY SHE"S LEAVING SHE"S GOING!

she walked to the stairwell and i called her name. jasper's sobs were echoing in the hallway.

"Carys?"

"yes mummy?"

"Where are you going to go?"

her airy response was, "a fwiends".

"i see."

GRAB HER MUMMY!

I was trying to talk to carys while pushing jasper behind me, like you do a dog when a delivery person comes to the door.

and then what will you do?

"i will go to canada to see mo and blake."

"i'm glad you have a sensible plan"

"i do."

"What will you do about money?"

"oh."

pause.

"i need to come back inside for my wallet."

of course.

she stepped back across the threshold and i was happy. she had come back in of her own choice. good.

I had to keep jasper away from her, so i crushed him in my arms, and i didn't want to fall on carys just yet. so caged jasper who was issuing proclamations of love for carys and how much he had missed her had to do so while wriggling in my arms.

"carys?"

"yes" she stopped on her way to her bedroom. I forced jasper into his bedroom and told him not to bother carys and me for five minutes please. I LOVE YOU CARYS!

"why don't we sit down and talk about your plan? just so i don't worry? because I will miss you terribly, you know."

"alwight. i am going to go.."

"Carys," i interruped, "can we go sit down?"

"yes."

sela had abandoned my room for her room and a book, and so we went to my room. carys took her shoes off and climbed up on my bed. I suggested she remove her backpack as well, just for a bit. she agreed.

i asked if she could show me what was in her packback.

"Puppy," (a fave plush toy) "and nappies for baby alive."

"oh you are such a good mummy."

"yes."

Silence and a snuggle.

"so what is your plan Carys."

"I am going to go to Canada."

"What are you going to eat?"

"I will eat TIm Tams on the plane."

"But what about when you are at the airport? In case you want to buy a chocolate milkshake…."

"Oh….well then I weally need my wallet."

"I will miss you"
"I will miss you too mummy"

And Bebe will miss you" (Carys' much loved BEBE is on a timeout from her mistress as a punishment for Carys being "wude").

"I will come back in a month and get BEBE" I was informed.

"Or you could go in a month," I suggested.

"Yes."

DON'T GO CARYS! screamed earwigging jasper.

"And today, you could call X and have her come here for a playdate? I know Y is at swimming…."

Could you call, mummy?

No. But I can dial.

Okay yes, please.

WHAT"S GOING ON! jasper insisted from outside the door

So I dialed. And Carys spoke.

Hello X? Would you like to come over to play? My mummy says it is alwight with her. (pause, embarrassed sort of laugh), "I didn't know what you were doing with Y…" another pause…"gweat! oh and when you were here before and we played picnic you left your two pieces of plastic toast, and i found them. yes, plastic toast. or bwead."

this could have gone on, and on, but finally i just said, "hang up carys and let her come over."

and she hung up the phone, grinned hugely, and went off to unpack.

and jasper finally stopped crying.

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the food, lead on to … fresher air?

My kids are gasping for rain. A big rainfall. A typhoon. Or a black rainstorm. Anything that would cancel school for the day. they'd be happiest with snow, but i am guessing that is not going to happen.

Typically, Hong Kong schools get one cancelled school day a year due to bad weather. There wasn't one last year and my children feel quite ripped off. I reckon there is one coming this year, and actually, I wouldn't mind if it was soon.

Why? Because IT STINKS IN HONG KONG. I don't mean the typical hong kong smell, i mean after weeks of no rain, there are areas of hong kong that stink of dog urine. the other day charles and i went for a walk and there was no romance…just choking as we tried not to tear up as that overpowering urine smell hit us in waves. there is dog pee coating the roads and stairs, and we need a nice brisk typhoon or horizontal rain to take care of it.

There was a slight rain on Saturday but it was nothing. Puddles barely lasted until midday and didn't help with the odours at all. Not impressed.

We are supposed to be entering into wet season. Where is the rain?

I know it would be no fun to have the kids cooped up here for the day, but I also know that accumulated layers of sour doggie wee laying in the hot sun stink. and continue stinking. so i think i would actually rather have the kids off for a day and in return get freshly clean sidewalks and stairways. and bushes. uck.

Bring it on.

 

 

 

sorry is such a sorry word

my very good friend lost her husband "salty" yesterday.

she doesn't live in hong kong, but we have been texting back and forth the past 24 hours.

i can't share what she has written, but her words have caused me despair and hope.

i won't try to describe the despair, but i will the hope. hope that i could be so brave, so focused, so "what would magnificent want" so present to the love people were pouring out, so able to accept help.

sorry seems like such a weak word. but at times, it is the only word you can offer.

and now, we have verbs. actions that make us a better partner. because we have the opportunity to be one today. unlike "my oprah" who is trying to make sense of the word widow. i can give her that.

i can remember with Oprah about the time Salty, Oprah and I "watched" the opening of the vancouver olympics and typing cheeky comments to me " a hockey player in a pickup truck….yes, these are Canadian Olympics!" because the local channels here weren't televising the games. 

We tell our children, "use your words", but when someone we love has died, it is time to use our actions. To live our lives better.

W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

And here is my personal favourite, I've blogged about this one before….  

Ithaca

When you set out for Ithaka ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon – do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty,
as long as a rare emotion
touch your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon – you will not meet them
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raise them up before you.
Ask that your way be long.
At many a Summer dawn to enter with what gratitude,
what joy – ports seen for the first time;
to stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise, mother of pearl and coral,
amber and ebony, and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many Egyptian cities, to gather stores of knowledge
from the learned.
Have Ithaka always in your mind.
Your arrival there is what you are destined for.
But don't in the least hurry the journey.
Better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to give you wealth.
Ithaka gave you a splendid journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She hasn't anything else to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka hasn't deceived you.
So wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you'll have understood
what these Ithakas mean

— Kavafy

two arms, two feet four directions

running update – i have no idea if my 5k is getting better! but i am doing well and having fun. took today off, the pollution is just vicious.

i was at school today when the bell rang.

surprisingly, sebastian was the first of my four to arrive. i was disconcerted until i saw seb holding a small boy's hand.

Of course. At Kennedy, year five children are "bus buddies" to the year one students. For the first month, the year five students escort the year one children to their bus or parent/carer. As a "walker" Sebastian was paired up with a fellow walker, and I saw him today carefully holding this fellow's hand, delivering him to the mummy, having a quick word, and then walking away, smiling, and of course, chest just a bit puffed out with importance of a job well done.

"Hello mummy!" he exclaimed and I got a spontaneous cuddle (with arms, not just head against my chest).

"I saw you doing a great job, Seb!" I congratulated him. And he was quick to zoom in on my parental weakness and pride.

"Yes, well mummy, can Alex, Adam and I walk home today? Alone like big boys?"

"Seb, there is no way on God's little green earth am I letting you cross Victoria Road by yourself. Forget it."

Well, howabout you walk behind us? So we can be alone like we are grown ups?

Was my son ashamed to be with me? I wondered to myself? And then realised that no, he just wanted a bit of freedom. Which I was happy to provide. I would rather walk up the 50 million steps from Kennedy to Victoria Road myself, and catch my breath at the top than wait with them on that dog poo encrusted walkway.

So I agreed.

Jasper was next to appear. I informed him he had been invited to Finn's house for a play. "Mummy, I will go to anyone's house for a play" he replied, "if it means I don't have to walk home."That folks, is my son. Jasper. Hearty child.

Carys floated into the picture next, humming to herself and reminding me it had been a "vewy gweat day". She seemed really happy, and her goal was to play with friends, which she quickly realised after reading for half an hour. Overall, life was very very good.

Sela rounded out the group, and was bouncing like her curls. "mummy, a wonderful thing happened today!" She exclaimed. "I was chosen for that thing that Skye was last year…you know" She paused, still smiling widely. I waited for her to calm down. "I am our class' SCHOOL COUNCIL REPRESENTATIVE".

There are many changes Sela would like to bring to KS. She has told me of many. Jasper is very relieved to have the ear of a school rep so close at hand. He asked if the school could build a lift. She told him no, exercising was very healthy for all students. He scowled and sat down with a comic.

 

home is what i rented!

i flew with the children over to canada this summer BY MYSELF. i wasn't surprised to note that the most hectic and stressful time for me was getting through the airport. once we were on the plane, i sighed and realised the worst was over. once the personal television headsets flickered to light, i realised it was going to be okay.

not perfect. the boys still needed help and often i wouldnt' be able to help them fast enough due to the fact that i was helping the girls, in the toilet or didn't hear them which was their invitation to ask again in a much louder voice.

seb and i got about two hours of sleep the entire flight, unfortunately he fell into a deep sleep 30 minutes before we landed and getting him up was quite difficult. but we quickly hustled through customs and immigration, and even had the letter of permission from charles allowing me (tess) to take children of magnificent out of the country. i always get asked for that.

what i was surprised about was that the place where you hand your little agricultural and firearm form, the lady asked me "where's the husband?" by this time, the letter of permission was underneath jellies, lollie wrappers and books, and THE END OF THE JOURNEY WAS IN SIGHT. in UNDER 60 SECONDS, I COULD BE A DAUGHTER, and SOMONE ELSE COULD MAKE DECISIONS FOR A BIT. i said, "he had to work" gave her my form and kept walking.

and there were my parents, arms open. I gave them two children each, a smooch, and controlling the luggage trolley, we were on our way. it was a great time.

i did something new this year.

i rented a house in white rock all for myself. for the first time in my life, ever, i was mistress of my own home. no one lived underneath me. or above me. we had a yard. a front yard. bedrooms. it was FANTASTIC. i loved it! the allure to live in my own home is MASSIVE. every day we would go on a little retreat. somedays we would go to the beach, some days we would go to a school, where we would stay and play on a playground for four hours. some days we would walk. it was great. the kids were gearing up for fintry, but i was having a great time. sebastian was very brave, he CLIMBED the famed "white rock" in WHITE ROCK. IF MY MOTHER WOULD SEND ME THE PICTURE, I WOULD POST IT.

it was a great start to the vacation. you people who live in houses, whether they are glass or on sand, i can see why you love it.

 

what’s in a dream?

as of this summer, i have a recurring dream.

charles and i are getting divorced.

he is the one instigating the divorce, and i am quite devastated wondering why, what to tell the children, etc.

the first time i had the dream i thought it was because we had been apart for three weeks – which as we know is far too long!

but then, i returned to hong kong and a couple of nights later, there i was back in dreamville, learning that while charles didn't YET have a girlfriend, there was the possibility.and he wanted a divorce. in last night's instalment, i forced charles to tell my brother and his family that he was divorcing me. he did and walked out of the room which was a bit like a warehouse.

what shakes me up in these dreams is;

a) how definite charles is that he doesn't want to work on our marriage

b) how devastated i am

prior to the onset of these dreams, i never spent much time thinking about MC and i divorcing. it just didn't enter into my realm.

and now it's here. not that charles has ever indicated the wants a divorce during my waking hours – but the only thing more daunting than life as a single parent is the concept to me of a life without charles. even if we didn't summer together, even if i don't see a lot of him as he settles into the new job, he is still my mc, and the person i am most concerned for, the person i will defend first, the person i want to tell my good news to, and talk with just as i drop off to sleep.

why would i dream this? i don't know and have'nt wasted any time googling, analysing or asking. i'm just grateful that it is all a dream and that i have my life.

 

of Seb and snakes

The quest to improve the 5k is ON like DONKEY KONG. Yesterday I ran two, three minute “fast jogs” during my run. Next week I incorporate another “fast jog” into the jog, the next week another. The plan is to get to the point where your body is expecting you to run at that faster pace. Of course all I achieved yesterday was a very realistic resemblance to what would happen if the Wicked Witch, while in the process of melting, mated with an overripe, cellulite filled tomato.

The kids and I are in the process of finishing Judy Blume’s “DOUBLE FUDGE”. We have one chapter left and then we will either move on to MARY POPPINS or Beverly Cleary’s HENRY HUGGINS. Amazingly, they still love me reading to them, and as long as they want me to read, I will. VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER might follow Henry Huggins.

Seb surprised me yesterday. He came into our bedroom and complained that he had stomach cramps after dinner and had also had the same thing at school before snack and lunch. I asked if he had also had gas. He said he had, and it had been very smelly. “It took two minutes not to smell.” The next typical mum question is, “When did you last go to the bathroom?” And the answer that shocked me was, “Today at school.”

Sebastian is not a person who typically avails himself of the school facilities.

Back in year one, I was concerned, when Seb began the trend of dashing through the door shouting, “I’m desperate!” Were there mean, bigger, ominous boys in the bathrooms at school preventing him from using the toilet? Possibly smoking? Giving swirlies, wedgies or other things? I edged around these scenarios, and finally was airily informed, “I want to wait until I get home. Break time is for playing.”

Of course.

So hearing that Seb had broken his self imposed rule was a bit of a surprise. Then he said, “I went during class time.”

This is not good news. Sebastian could go through an entire New York Times, complete with crossword and Sudoku during his bathroom excursions.

Wanted to finish off by saying I saw a big snake today. It was garden variety, dark grey green and black stripy, and about five to six feet long. Thick. It’s the time of year when snakes are gathering food for hibernation. So it is no coincidence that later on, in a very obscure part of my walk, I came across a dead civet. A rustle of leaves around me informed me that the kill was fresh and if I would be so good to get a move on, whoever was hiding in the leaves would continue with their grocery shopping.

achieving happiness

Did you know that Charles has changed jobs?

Indeed he has.

Magnificent felt that he was being called to learn more about non profits. So, when he had the opportunity to work with one, he took the job.

We have downsized appropriately. Our new flat is 1900 square feet instead of 3400. We have given up things like our annual passes to Disneyland and Ocean Park.We are just fine.

What do I need to be happy?

Firstly, I need to know that I have God's approval, a clear conscience, whatever you call it. This is the most important thing, probably the only thing I need.

Others that are nice, but not essential (but if I go several days without, then I am not pleasant)

I need to know my kids are happy and if they are not, that we have a plan to "get" them happy. If it is just a phase (like Sela passed through a few months ago, and my goodness what a lovely little girl she is now..the plan can just be earplugs).

I need quietness each day. A time where I can reflect, learn and read and pray.

I need to be outside. Near something green. Walking or running.

I need to read a book. Something new and a comfort read.

I need to spend time with Charles. The other night he got home late, and I forced myself to stay up so we could talk. It was a great "catch up chat". We talked for 45 minutes, and never mentioned children once. We talked about our lives, anecdotes and each other.

I need to spend time with children.

I need to spend time with friends.

I need to accomplish things.

I need to take care of messes…whether it is clutter mounting in bedrooms or forms that need to be signed/cheques that need to be written…I need to take care of it.

And a nice cup of tea never hurt, either. With a digestive biscuit on the side…oooh missus.

 

I’m going through changes

Ozzie Osbourne sang it, and I’m living it. By changes, I am not delicately trying to let you know I am going through menopause. No thanks, these mood swings are just me.

It has been a long time since I posted, odd, since I mentally compose a post every couple of days.

But I am going through changes.

I have a full time job. I am in charge of Donor Relations at ICM.

There is joy. It is a great, wonderful job. Fantastic colleagues, close to home, and I see positive change each day. I am seeing generous people and the impact their goodness has on the impoverished. I am seeing people making the conscious decision to help their fellow man, even though they will never meet them. They help because they can. Because they recognize they are privileged. Truth be, I am privileged to see the photos, to read the stories, to see positive change. To be affiliated with organizations like FEED MY STARVING CHILDREN and KIDS AGAINST HUNGER. To hold children like Shem whose cleft palate was fixed thanks to the selfless medical professionals at Operation Smile. I have a great job.

There is frustration. The need is so great.

There is growth. I have children who started school yesterday. Three in year three, one in year five. When did this happen? All year five students are given a slip of paper suggesting that parents be on guard for bodies going through “physical changes” and so Sebastian and I followed the school nurse’s suggestion and bought some deodorant. He is so chuffed. He also has Trader Joe’s facewash.  Does he need these things? No! Is he thrilled to have them, absolutely. His hair is brown now, his smile still gorgeous.

Jasper, well, he does have his unique perspective. A friend kindly passed headlice on to Jasper earlier this summer. Instead of freaking out, young Jasper announced, “I’m babysitting!”

Sela had a wonderful summer and was a bit disconcerted…she was deliberately placed near a rather rambunctious boy, but today she got told off for giggling at his “very inappropriate but funny jokes, mummy”. She’ll get over it, but of course she thinks the best way to get over it is to change seats. Seb thinks the best way to get over it is to repeat all the jokes to him.

Carys is facing having her friend Danielle in sister Sela’s class…a confusing time! But she seems unaffected and is skipping around as usual.

There is melancholy. We moved out of 122 Pokfulam road. Finally. 10 years. A decade of love. I have a love letter for 122 I might post later, but for now, I will tell you that we miss the community, and we are in a smaller home, but we know this is where God wants us to be. The kids are right across the street from their great friends Alex, Adam and Grace and Ella and Ashleigh, so they are content. Charles misses the glorious sunsets and views, but he is content.

Charles is lovely. I don’t see him much these days, but this too shall pass.

There is loss. Janne moved. My gorgeous travel buddy has moved back to Denmark. I miss her, our walks, her family, her perspective. There is a little hole in my life.

I’m doing a run I haven’t done in years. It is just a 5k, which makes me shake my head. Two years ago, I was getting up at 5.30am and running 15-18k, 5 days a week. These days, I am running at 5.30pm, and trying to improve my time. The good news is, I am. I am confident that I will NEVER be able to run 5k in under 25 minutes, but I want to be a better short distance (5k) runner. Sprints I will never do well, but 5k? I think I can shave down my time.

I’m going through changes.