the dance

we all know there are different stages of love. i am so glad it starts with the physical, that rush, enhancement, watching your arm hairs prickle upwards even when you start thinking about the object of your affection.

someone said to me the other day, "i’ve been married for 10 years, but i have been in love with tom cruise for 20, and he still gets my blood rushing."

the implication was that her husband doesn’t. of course he doesn’t, because you have gotten further than lust with him. you have learned that being with someone doesn’t mean being with the best parts of their personality. you’re getting everything.

love deepens, from the overwhelming enjoyment of how that person makes you think, feel, notice the beauty of the world around you, it’s like pleasantville…your black and white world suddenly moves into colour when you are in love. but in time, if you can handle the disappointment when the physical reactions ebb, you can experience your love deepen. the physical, those first memories of when you had to watch a movie clinging together, you need those…those are great memories to fall back on when things get tough. and they do.

a huge part of love is gratitude. for me, the rush of love i feel when charles gets up with a crying baby because i was too busy finishing off a diabolical sudoku late into the night and am nearly comatose when the aforementioned child starts whinging…that gratitude is so linked to love, and the world we have created. it goes straight to my heart. no there isn’t the physical reaction like lust provides, unless you count the huge breath of relief…but there is the suspicious dampness around my eyes.

a huge part of this maturer love we have found ourselves in is the recognition that we’re in this for the long run, divorce isn’t an option, so let’s get the issue over with now. i can still feel strong negative feelings for him…and i know magnificent has some magnificently accurate complaints against my behaviour, but there is the security of the love knowing that no matter how vile the argument, we won’t break up over it. there is the reluctant acceptance that a compromise is needed, but even better, there is the love that comes from knowing i am being myself, and he still loves me. later love sees you warts and all.

i love this love. and i believe it will only get better.

fast forward to wedding receptions. the bride and groom, smiling with excitement that the caterer didn’t duff up, that the dress looked great, the weather cooperated and all the compliments and attention and joy that the big day is finally here and going well.

you see another couple on the dance floor. this isn’t their wedding, and they move across the floor, maybe talking, maybe not. they move together in a pattern that only years together creates, they’re like a tapestry. they anticipate the steps, they have dealt with a misstep before and know how to smoothly get back on track. they know how their partner will dance, and where they will hold them. sometimes they stop, have a drink, but they’re still together. she bends down to fix her shoe, he holds her arm.

the floor is sometimes bumpy for magnificent and me, and we can get thrown off balance by four forces launching themselves at our legs, but we hang on, and the dance just keeps getting better and better.

don’t you just love it when someone makes an observation about your character that:

a) you didn’t know

b) isn’t hurtful

c) makes you think "i wonder why i am that way?"

its a great excuse to look at yourself and even discuss yourself without coming across as a complete egomaniac.

our friend scott stayed with us last night. scott is a former teacher turned friend. v. cool fellow even if he does have a capacity for winding kids up just as they should be going to bed. but on the bright side, when the aforementioned kids woke up at 5am because jasper couldn’t breathe (or someother lame excuse) he claimed to have slept right through it.

scott and i both love hiking and so we went for a bit of a ramble around pokfulam, to the reservoir, to the family path, up to the peak, up to a lookout temple, down the morning trail, then to the hospital walk. good times. talking most of the time. about red ants (like them from a distance because you can see their eyes), why some bugs have curly antennae (scott’s advice: if ever in doubt, say it is for mating purposes), why spiders walk away from their webs, family’s, books (told him i had helped edit tertia’s and really enjoyed it…he is writing two, both sound like something i would read…and he has a publisher!) kids, hopes, plans…the stuff friends who haven’t seen each other for four years can talk about. good times.

as we were walking i commented on how during spider season you don’t want to be the first jogger out in the morning, because your head looks like cotton candy by the time you finish your run. from then we started talking about where we want to live, and scott said,

"tess, you have mentioned seasons four times in the 90 minutes we have been walking. what does that mean to you?"

i thought about it…i thought about ME ME ME. he asked if i was missing the seasons, since hong kong has rainy and not rainy seasons, warm and hot. i said no not really.

so what with my emphasis on seasons? we examined options, if seasons were part of my fitness, my plans with the kids, my holidays (not really, i take holidays in summer months, same as always..oops, there i go again..)

ah HAH! if ever in doubt, look to your past (and try to blame it on someone…possibly parents?)

i burst out.."scott, i lived for 10 years in a place that had basically one season for nine months of the year! snow and darkness for eight months of the year!" 

there you go. blame yellowknife.

in hong kong you don’t know people generally for 10 years. we are lucky, many of our friends are not the transient types and have made hong kong their home and plan to stay here for a long while. but  it is always good to catch up with people from your past. to see how aging is good, they have changed…not that they were appalling before, but how aging has given them perspective, experiences and new stories.

it was a good time.

i raced home from Bible study this morning to meet sebastian at the bus stop. two of his friends came over for lunch, but much to sebbie’s relief they went to their flat to change out of their school clothes first, which meant he didn’t have to be a gentleman and let them do their wees first.

"mummy, i really have to wee."

he weed, washed, and changed into his spiderman outfit and sat down to his lunch, ribs and vegetables. and for dessert, brownies. what a happy trio they were! afterwards they played for a bit, then adam and ashleigh left to go to a birthday party.

sebastian asked if he could watch a bit of television, and i counteroffered with, "do you want to come on a bus ride with me?" i needed to go to wanchai to pick up my smart card. it is a new photo/thumbprint activated identity card that all hong kong residents are required to have. he agreed that would be much more fun and after packing water and a lolly for him, we were on our way.

our bus took FOREVER to arrive, we were waiting for the 28 mini bus, and after 15 minutes it hadn’t arrived. unfortunately time was not on our side because sebastian had his last football session at 3pm…and it was 1.41. i took my chance and we jumped on a one level regular bus that i wasn’t too familiar with, the 47x. it was headed to admiralty, which is the district next to wanchai. why take my chance with this bus? because an x indicates express, which means it won’t stop everywhere. OR AT LEAST IT SHOULD. this bus apparently had a very social driver, for we were stopping everywhere it seemed. when we got to central, it was 1.59, (central is next to admiralty) so sebastian and i got off and hailed a taxi. we would have had hail a taxi anyway once we got to admiralty, this didn’t seem such an extra expense. sebastian was thrilled and did his taxi wave, which worked.

we got to elizabeth house, and headed to the lift. there was a queue waiting for the lift so we joined it. when the doors opened, however, a couple of people jumped out of no where to push ahead of the people who were waiting (patiently). fortunately sebastian and i made it into the lift, and before i could begin explaining to him that we are supposed to wait in line, even though some people (significant pause and stare at them through the mirror) jump the queue….bless him, the little blond ANGEL said very clearly, "mummy, those two ladies were naughty, they didn’t wait in line."

a moment of silence and then everyone in the lift started smiling or laughing. except me, who said, "that’s right, sebastian, they were naughty." oh right, for accuracy’s sake, the two perps weren’t laughing either.

it only took five minutes to collect my card….hong kong is so efficient at times it hurts me….and sebastian and i were touring around the floor, checking that the pay phones worked and that there was no money left over in the coin return area…and we didn’t even have time to check for coins in the drinks machines before my name was called, i picked up my card, and we left. my picture is horrible…but i suppose my thumbprint is rather attractive.

so down we went once more to the street, it was 2.34pm…i sighed and we hailed a taxi.

footie went really well, lita had brought jasper, sela and carys and they were quite pleased to be chasing other kids and balls and climbing the nets.

home, playground, bath, dinner… and for dinner sebastian and i ate in the computer room, which is possible three metres by 1.5 metres. we pretended we were in the dark desert and the babies were in their tent and we were in ours. we ate pizza and drank ribena. (he got to choose the menu). i clicked off the lights and we lit candles. i brought out the vegetables that needed to be eaten as well. we talked about living in the desert, how many days we had been there, and if we liked it….and after the last pea was swallowed, i brought out dessert….brownies!

we are going to eat in our tent tomorrow, but i think i will be in charge of the menu which means it might not be so interesting and my desert pal, especially if i don’t offer dessert, might desert me.

children are strange. i would love to blame sela’s recent attitude on:

a) discomfort from the 800 or so chicken pox infesting her body

b) cabin fever…she hasn’t been out in four days

c) side effects from drugs not meant for children under the age of 4

but i think its all about that she’s a kid.

so yesterday she finished a rather enjoyable dinner of spag bol and smacked her lips afterwards. the pox in her mouth have gone down, which meant that the tomato sauce was not too acidic. she ate and apparently enjoyed it all.

sebastian had finished his chicken korma and so i passed him some chocolate bears for his treat. he smiled and thanked me. sela was very interested in the bears as well, so i passed her one. then i passed jasper and lulu one as well. they were very pleased and dove in immediately. but sela chose to be angry. she wanted more. she threw hers down on the floor, where olivia ran over and smelt it, licked it and then ran away.

jj and carys asked for another one, and so i graciously handed them out, and when sela refused to pick up the bear, walked her over to the time out chair. she writhed in the chair and fell out. i let her gyrate on the floor. i removed the other kids to the playroom and read them a book. decided to reward the good behaviour so i read the kids a book…ironically elmo’s book of manners.  it seemed quiet, so i left the good kids and went to face the bad and ugly one. but she sela was still screaming. it seemed quieter because she had pushed herself under one of the carpets (that olivia is systematically shredding to pieces) and was yelling from there. i lifted her back up and put her on the sofa. not that she had ever stopped, but i think she might have drawn breath, for she commenced howling again, and i left the room, visiting the kids.

when i returned, it definitely WAS quiet. sela had gotten down and walked over to the computer, where we have a slide show of the family running when the computer is idle. she had crawled into the chair and was saying "jayjay…..gwandad….mummy…..sebbie….cawys…daddy…". she gave me a big hug.

i walked her over to where she had thrown the bear and asked her to pick it up. she did. i then made her apologise for screaming. she did. i then gave her the two other bears her siblings has received…and she offered me one.

this at the end of the day was a very confusing event, but to be fair, if it had happened earlier in the day i still would have been scratching my head.

they’re never boring.

i read something the other day which really confirmed my decision to give up one of my jobs. to paraphrase, it said:

15 years from now you would give anything to go back in time 15 years and spend a day with your children, when they were children. you would do it no matter the cost. so why don’t you pay the money now, and spend those days with your children while it is still possible.

now i know this is a simplified account, but it worked for me and helped me make a decision that financially wasn’t the wisest for our family, but emotionally, spiritually and mentally, was.

why is it that we can forgive those who have hurt us, but we have a very difficult time forgiving people who hurt those we love?

i am currently fuming over the persons responsible for hurting two people i love very much. housebound with sela, while watching the wiggles today, i zoned out and entertained various YOUNG AND RESTLESS calibre fantasies of the showdowns i saw myself having with these people, and the apologies they would make to my loved ones. the accepted apology. and of course the attempt to rekindle the friendship, to which the wronged loved one would sorrowfully reply, "you hurt me once, shame on you. if i allow you to hurt me again, shame on me."

we disappoint each other every day. i disappoint my children, my friends, my spouse, on a regular basis. that’s one of the risks of emotional involvement and vulnerability. whether it is a cavalier invitation ignoring someone’s pain or having your heart broken; whether the disappointment passes in a matter of minutes or alters your perspective forever, disappointment is part of our daily lives.

and i don’t see that as a necessarily bad thing, because real disappointment comes when we are really heavily emotionally invested, and the rewards of emotional investment are so enriching, that they make the risk of disappointment entirely worth the gamble.

there is no reward like being loved, no rush, no contentment like it. it is worth every sacrifice and vulnerability and every effort you make to make the relationship last. whether this is a passionate love or a friendship, fight for it. recognise what is important and what is pride, and only end the friendship if it is over the former.

but be smart when you choose who to love. again, whether friend or lover. this is important. so many people simply use others to bolster their own self esteem. so many people let them, mistaking it for friendship.

i am learning, that God is the best friend i have. He never lets me down. He never lets magnificent down. He always listens, and always cares. of course, He has the benefit of being perfect, but we have the benefit of following His example. so we try.

pix are up

parties, pox, people! pix are up and so is sela,

she looks like she has been drinking radioactive waste, her head is all scabby and knobbly. she has a fever and is sweaty and the sweat makes her pox sting. so we think it is going to be a long night.

click here to enjoy the pix.

sela succumbed

sorry for the silence, we are into day three of sela’s chicken pox. yes, that’s right. and for those of you keeping track, this looks like it will be an ugly one. right now her face is all red and bumpy…she looks like the before in the clearisil commercial. and soon she will get all scabby and peeling.

i am in the middle of simplifying a lot of my life. as you know, i gave up one part time position, and i am now going through my books, wardrobes, etc. i have even come up with the brilliant idea (partially inspired by an article i read by a professional closet cleaner) that this year i am going to ask my relatives what they want instead of just assuming that magnificent and i will chose good gifts. and given the lack of space in our home, i will suggest we do the same thing. this means auntie pammie will no longer be sending us eight feet tall plush disney characters!

in the meantime, let’s get to know each other a little bit. a while ago i left some questions on joe’s blog. someone hit back at me with the following.  please write down your own answers in the response column…let’s get to know you a bit!

four jobs i have held

1 food writer

2 gossip columnist

3 cosmetician

4 hotel pr person

four neat places i have vacationed

1 nepal/india

2 united arab emirates

3 antigua

4 great cities: new york, paris, london, beijing, shanghai

four movies i can watch over and over again

1 groundhog day (that’s kind of ironic)

2 love actually

3 the truman show (hello, ed harris)

4 some like it hot

four television shows i try to catch every week

1 THE AMAZING RACE !!!!!!!

2 medium

3 cold feet (re-runs, but still)

4

four foods i love to eat

1 lychees

2 curries

3 mango pudding

4 chinese vegetables with garlic

four cities i have lived in

1 yellowknife nt

2 calgary ab

3 vancouver ba

4 hong kong sar

four books i love to read

1 adrian mole

2 tertia’s book (ooh, a plug! it’s not available…yet…but it will be worth the wait)

3 the Bible

4the hiding place

your turn!

conversation excerpt from our household, five minutes ago:

daddeh, my mummy is going to die

why is that, sebastian?

because she is getting so very old

this is the same boy who just days ago said to his father:

daddy, why are you running out of hair?

so while charles can battle the follicle fight with the options of hair pieces (ted dansen), ball caps (ron howard), shaving his head entirely (bruce willis), and i suppose spray paint ??? what can mummy do about her age?

1)lie

2)plastic surgery

3)moisturize and tone my skin and always wear sunscreen

4)drink 12 glasses of water a day

the lying one isn’t an option. i like being 36 and even moreso, i like the 80’s memories that come attached to my life. what preteen didn’t have that huge thrill of being able to say "mama se mama sah mama coo sah?"  or "and now he only eat guitars, get out!" "she’s a valley girl, fer shure fer shure you can depend on her" ? can sing the theme songs to family ties? can remember tianniamen square? live aid? the berlin wall coming down? sitting down infront of the radion on new years eve at whatever place you were babysitting, taping the top 100 hits of the year and getting very upset when the dj cut the song off too soon or when the tape ran out halfway during a song. nope, 36 is a big part of who i am, it would be disloyal to change my age. or seem that i was ashamed of it, which is so not the case.

plastic surgery. apparently it hurts. strike one. and the second strike, apparently it’s like hotel california, once you arrive you can never leave. one surgery leads to another, then another then another. and they could always duff up, and i would look grody (i am 36) and have to live with the fact that i had paid to look this bad. so i can’t see that happening any time soon.

cleansing toning moisturising…yes, i could make an effort, but i mean really.

drinking 12 glasses of water (a day) ….you know sometimes i can drink 12 glasses in one sitting and marvel at it’s invigorating powers, but there are other days, when the thought of water makes me nauseas.

there’s one more thing, a fellow i know used to date a girl whose mother put hemmroid cream under her eyes in order to make the lines go away. seriously.

but back to the important stuff, since my death is immediate and irrevocable, do you think another piece of cake will hurt? it’s pretty good.

oh, and here are some pictures from the month of march

36?-24?-no 36

so today is my birthday. last night i was so excited about the festive day i couldn’t sleep. actually, only half of that sentence is true: jasper was up wheezing crying and coughing, so that’s why i didn’t sleep. the good news is that he isn’t in the hospital, just back on the nebuliser and chamber.

36. well all right.

and to clarify to the three very kind people who sent me private emails in regards to yesterday’s title saying: there are actually 365 days in a year, so the day before your birthday is the 365th if your birthday is the 1st. very true, but i was thinking along canadian birthday lines, which made my birthday 18 hours away…i should have clarified. sorry about that!

i was talking to someone i really trust today of how i feel i am at a juncture. ready for something. she knows our financial situation….we’re a one income family. and she asked the very important question: do you want to make money or do you want a career? and it was definitely the latter. i mean really, would i have chosen journalism if i wanted money? a ha ha ha ha ha. i mean really.

not that we’ve been spending a lot, but we need to reign in our spending these days. my insurance won’t pay for my neurologists visits or medication…""preexisting condition". so money needs to go towards things like that. and let’s face it, flying home each summer, which we consider a priority, is extremely expensive. and we see lots of specialists. and all schools that sebastian could get into, are private. fees are expensive. so are sports. most things in hong kong are expensive!

BIRTHDAY QUESTION OF THE DAY: how do you approach people who owe you money? usually we say nothing and come up short. is that what everyone else does?

diplopia and 364364

today i started the new drug regime.

as most of you know, i am not a good procrastinator. of course when your mind and body are as attuned as mine are (HAHAHAHA) (what is epilepsy if not the body’s attempt to escape the mind?)….within eight hours of taking the first tablet i experienced two of the three side effects: diplopia (double vision…charming!) and a light rash on my neck. my eyes feel curiously heavy and it is creepy, but i will persevere. because really, what are my choices? giving up would be so boring.

i had a fabu day today. quirky. i like that. i took the bus over to kowloon side and wandered around the local district of mongkok with a friend of mine. we bought obscure items like velcro slabs that hold wires together and a grater with a cover to catch the cheese/carrot/etc. did a park and shop. visited a fresh market and bought coriander and red chillis for a spectacular aubergine curry soup that was on the menu for tonight’s dinner. raced home and went down to the playground, where i took requests from my toddler fan base. sang my way through the typical faves, did a little dance with jasper, lectured to sela how no one likes a whinger. winced at the sight of her tooth coming in. yuk.

tomorrow is day two. tomorrow will be allright. i have a hectic schedule and a hot date with magnificent charles to top off the evening. a highlight might be some serious cleaning and cluttering. why the cleansing celebration? i will be 36. can’t wait.