how involved should friends be?
divine comments, posters. absolutely wonderful. i am wondering which one to use first. unfortunately, i don’t think the comment about my chest can be used, as i cant imagine anyone thinking i actually paid for these!!!
i got a very thought provoking email from a friend. her sister "heather" is about to start ivf.
the sister knows, the parents know, and some close friends. the sister asked, "how can i best support "heather"."
there is no one best way. people are individuals, each have their own coping mechanisms and want support in different ways.
one internet acquaintance told her family she and her husband were undergoing IVF and didn’t tell them anything else until she informed them, IT WORKED I AM PREGNANT.
my second ivf, right before retrieval when i started developing OHSS, i stopped talking about the IVF to my family. changed the topic because i was so sure transfer would be cancelled, and i couldn’t talk about it to anyone except magnificent, who had my wrath unleashed on him hourly. (his response: does this mean we can have sex? always looking for the rainbow, is my man.)
another friend gave her friends and family updates every time she heard them.
the information each couple shares is completely up to them.
but, i do believe this general bit of information can only benefit.
so shelley, here you go.
educate yourself on the ivf process. know when retrieval is, what transfer does, the difference between blastocyst and emrbyo, the benefits of a two day versus a five day transfer. know that the uterine lining should have a triple stripe, that blood tests are taken and ultrasounds done to check how the body is responding to the drugs. know that there will be daily injections. know the difference between progesterone and lupron. be aware that there are excess hormones floating through the body, and those, plus the stress of the situation, make your sister likely to be more emotional than she might normally be.
if heather does unburden herself, it makes it so much easier if she doesn’t have to explain the process. ie:
i am so frustrated. they did an ultrasound today and my body isn’t ready! i have to stay on the drugs
is your lining not thick enough or not enough follicles?
so much easier than:
i am so frustrated. they did an ultrasound today and my body isn’t ready! i have to stay on the drugs
but isn’t your body always ready?
no, during your cycle the thickness of your womb steadily increases. there will be a triple stripe when the uterus is ready, and the thickness is best around 10 although anywhere from 7-13 is acceptable. the follicles, there is one dominant follicle on the left side and some laggers, but nothing, on the right.
it is also a show of support to educate yourself about what heather is going through.
XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
giving credit where it is definitely due, to boulder, who is not as dumb as a rock.
but don’t offer your opinon on anything. Seriously. Be perfectly non-judgemental. Say anything in your brain before you let it out of your mouth, because you can be amazed at what a cycling woman can feel is judgemental. And don’t share her story with anyone. It is her choice to decide who, what & when to tell. And it is her husband’s choice too. He may think that telling you is simply one step too close to telling his mother-in-law. Or not.
Don’t feel hurt if she shuts down in the middle of the game, either. She may feel comfortable one moment & then realize she’s over-shared with her IRL friends/family.
When I have friends who have questioned my decision not to tell my family about a cycle, I say, "well, did you call your mom or dad & tell them every time you’d had sex while trying to make your child?" See, there are some things you feel ok telling a girlfriend but not your mom or your cousin, or maybe a even a sister.
The best question you can ever ask is, "how does that make YOU feel?" Second best is "can I do anything for you?" or "how can I help you?"
Never say "I know how you feel." Please.
XO XO XO XO XO XO XO
people say (and mean), i wish i could help you, when they hear of your inferility stuff…educating yourself to understand what heather is going through is an active way to support a relative or friend.
to those of you who have had troubles starting a family, or those of you who have done ivf, what other ways are there to best support a loved one undergoing IVF?
