divine comments, posters. absolutely wonderful. i am wondering which one to use first. unfortunately, i don’t think the comment about my chest can be used, as i cant imagine anyone thinking i actually paid for these!!!
i got a very thought provoking email from a friend. her sister "heather" is about to start ivf.
the sister knows, the parents know, and some close friends. the sister asked, "how can i best support "heather"."
there is no one best way. people are individuals, each have their own coping mechanisms and want support in different ways.
one internet acquaintance told her family she and her husband were undergoing IVF and didn’t tell them anything else until she informed them, IT WORKED I AM PREGNANT.
my second ivf, right before retrieval when i started developing OHSS, i stopped talking about the IVF to my family. changed the topic because i was so sure transfer would be cancelled, and i couldn’t talk about it to anyone except magnificent, who had my wrath unleashed on him hourly. (his response: does this mean we can have sex? always looking for the rainbow, is my man.)
another friend gave her friends and family updates every time she heard them.
the information each couple shares is completely up to them.
but, i do believe this general bit of information can only benefit.
so shelley, here you go.
educate yourself on the ivf process. know when retrieval is, what transfer does, the difference between blastocyst and emrbyo, the benefits of a two day versus a five day transfer. know that the uterine lining should have a triple stripe, that blood tests are taken and ultrasounds done to check how the body is responding to the drugs. know that there will be daily injections. know the difference between progesterone and lupron. be aware that there are excess hormones floating through the body, and those, plus the stress of the situation, make your sister likely to be more emotional than she might normally be.
if heather does unburden herself, it makes it so much easier if she doesn’t have to explain the process. ie:
i am so frustrated. they did an ultrasound today and my body isn’t ready! i have to stay on the drugs
is your lining not thick enough or not enough follicles?
so much easier than:
i am so frustrated. they did an ultrasound today and my body isn’t ready! i have to stay on the drugs
but isn’t your body always ready?
no, during your cycle the thickness of your womb steadily increases. there will be a triple stripe when the uterus is ready, and the thickness is best around 10 although anywhere from 7-13 is acceptable. the follicles, there is one dominant follicle on the left side and some laggers, but nothing, on the right.
it is also a show of support to educate yourself about what heather is going through.
XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
giving credit where it is definitely due, to boulder, who is not as dumb as a rock.
but don’t offer your opinon on anything. Seriously. Be perfectly non-judgemental. Say anything in your brain before you let it out of your mouth, because you can be amazed at what a cycling woman can feel is judgemental. And don’t share her story with anyone. It is her choice to decide who, what & when to tell. And it is her husband’s choice too. He may think that telling you is simply one step too close to telling his mother-in-law. Or not.
Don’t feel hurt if she shuts down in the middle of the game, either. She may feel comfortable one moment & then realize she’s over-shared with her IRL friends/family.
When I have friends who have questioned my decision not to tell my family about a cycle, I say, "well, did you call your mom or dad & tell them every time you’d had sex while trying to make your child?" See, there are some things you feel ok telling a girlfriend but not your mom or your cousin, or maybe a even a sister.
The best question you can ever ask is, "how does that make YOU feel?" Second best is "can I do anything for you?" or "how can I help you?"
Never say "I know how you feel." Please.
XO XO XO XO XO XO XO
people say (and mean), i wish i could help you, when they hear of your inferility stuff…educating yourself to understand what heather is going through is an active way to support a relative or friend.
to those of you who have had troubles starting a family, or those of you who have done ivf, what other ways are there to best support a loved one undergoing IVF?
Reader interactions
14 Replies to “how involved should friends be?”
I have no advice to offer dahling. Wanted simply to tell you that I am, as always, in awe of you.
I agree with almost everything you’ve written Tess, though I have to laugh because you have a typo (imagine that with 4 small children hanging on your limbs). You wrote that an “embryo lining should have a triple lining,” and I nearly spit my drink out.
What Tess meant is that an ultrasound will be done to check the endometrial thickness & that they are looking for a characteristic that shows on the u/s screen which actually looks like three lines. Endometrial lining. Embryo lining.
I’ll add on, not to be offended if your sister doesn’t want to talk all IVF all the time. Or don’t be if that is all that she wants to talk about. It IS stressful, and we all react to stress in different ways. Also, husbands react differently too. Some husbands HATE when the wives are talking about the need for medical science’s intervention. Some don’t get that the wife doesn’t want to tell the guy who loads the grocery bags. See where I’m going with this? You just never know. Just because she’s shared that it is going to happen doesn’t mean it is a predictor of what is to come.
And I may be stating the obvious, but don’t offer your opinon on anything. Seriously. Be perfectly non-judgemental. Say anything in your brain before you let it out of your mouth, because you can be amazed at what a cycling woman can feel is judgemental. And don’t share her story with anyone. It is her choice to decide who, what & when to tell. And it is her husband’s choice too. He may think that telling you is simply one step too close to telling his mother-in-law. Or not.
Don’t feel hurt if she shuts down in the middle of the game, either. She may feel comfortable one moment & then realize she’s over-shared with her IRL friends/family.
When I have friends who have questioned my decision not to tell my family about a cycle, I say, “well, did you call your mom or dad & tell them every time you’d had sex while trying to make your child?” See, there are some things you feel ok telling a girlfriend but not your mom or your cousin, or maybe a even a sister.
The best question you can ever ask is, “how does that make YOU feel?” Second best is “can I do anything for you?” or “how can I help you?”
Never say “I know how you feel.” Please.
Best wishes to your sister & thank you for trying for her.
Oh, and don’t say “harvesting the eggs.”
Only Hollywood & misinformed journalists do that.
Aw come on-use the chest one! LOL about Mag Charles and sex. My husband often says, “You know, sex cures what ails ya!” I had some trouble getting pregnant, but no where near what other women have battled. However, it was hard for ME. I found it supportive when friends just “listened.” Sometimes we just want to talk and vent and don’t need any responses.
Happy One Year Release from Queen Mary !!
By the time you read this , it will be marking the one year anniversary of Jasper and Sela’s release from the NICU!!
Way to go guys…
Love to you all
Auntie Pammie xoxo
I don’t have any answers since I haven’t been through IVF… But I think your response about sharing your sex life with your parents is pretty accurate, from my point of view.
Anyways, I just had to let you know… In honor of your post about the comments people make about your triplets- I had a dream I had triplets last night. All about the age of your babies… Very odd dream. LOL. Never have I dreamed of having multiples of anything- unless it was cats and dogs! LOL!
So thanks to you, my dear, I am now dreaming of triplets!
I think that it is important that the friends/family don’t offer any advice on what “Heather” should or shouldn’t do. She will be having enough soul searching herself without others adding in their 2 cents worth
I’m sure it’s hard to believe it’s been one year since Jaspar and Sela were able to come home. I hope today brings the opportunity to reflect on how far they’ve come. All your children are truly blessed to be raised in a home with such dedicated and loving parents. Each day I keep up with all their progress on your blog. I sit at my desk reading your latest entry smiling, laughing and sometimes with a tear, but always in complete awe and admiration of you as a mother, wife and friend.
In one of your posts you mentioned you loved Dim Sum. Me too! Lets get together soon and eat our weight in BBQ pork buns!
Tess – It’s been so long since we’ve seen you that I don’t even know if you’ll be able to put a face to the name, but I’ve been meaning to write for a while (more about that below) and I just had to drop you a note and let you know that I had the rare privilege of catching up with your Mom over lunch yesterday; what a blessing she is (in case you didn’t know!). I truly cherish our times together, with the added bonus of catching up on Trip pictures. I poured over her book of pics. from your trip in February; looks like everyone had a fabulous time!
Happy homecoming to Sela and Jasper!! It’s hard to believe a whole year has gone by– probably feels a lot longer to you, especially with some of those interesting evenings you spend with Sela; but as your Mom and I were talking about your little miracles, I realized, yet again, how truly blessed we ALL have been to see God’s hand at work in the lives of your little ones, even for those of us who have just sat quietly in the background and lifted up prayers as and when we could.
I’ve been meaning to drop you a note, too, Tess, to tell you how very much I am enjoying reading your blog. I honestly cannot even imagine where you find the time and/or energy to write your notes being a full-time Mom, in quadruple, AND being a wonderful wife, AND working outside the home, AND being a supportive friend/sister/ daughter, but I am truly glad you do! Just when I’m ready to tear my hair out over my ONE whinging 2-year-old, I have yet another chuckle over something you’ve entered and it helps me gain my perspective. Thank you!
As an aside . . . May 19th is my nephew’s 1st birthday, too, and even more importantly (at least to me), it is my daughter’s 3rd birthday. And June 2nd is my oldest son’s birthday. So, I should be able to remember those dates fairly easily. Not that I will, of course, but at least I don’t have an excuse!
Better close as my own version of MC has just walked in the door from a church council meeting and this will be the only 5 quiet minutes we get before tomorrow night at about this time!
We’re going to be away on holidays for most of the time you’re in YK, Tess, but we’re back the August long weekend, and I’m really hoping your Mom remembers to save us at least a couple of minutes to meet your precious babes in person if she can let you go that long.
Talk to you soon.
Erin
Happy anniversary of your going home day for Jasper and Sela 🙂
Beeeeg smooch to Momma Bear, Daddy Bear and the four little Bears
HAPPY HOMECOMING ANNIVERSARY TO SELA & JAZZY J! I didn’t realize they came home on Bubba’s birthday!! How wonderful!!
WE LOVE YOU!!
Yes, a year. Oh my goodness…A YEAR??
I love you!!!! Charmaine
Happy One Year anniversary of graduating from the hospital with the terrific trio!!!!!!!!
xoxoxox
How wonderful to be celebrating this one-year anniversary for Jasper and Sela. Next it will be Carys I’ve been keeping up with all your news via web and news and photos from Maureen. It is quite amazing to look back on the last year and reflect on all that has happened. God is Good! I hope to see you and your entourage this summer – I’ll be away in July but back before you leave in August. Love and best wishes to you and Charles and your fearsome foursome.