the undignified media spotlight on terri schiavo’s last days has certainly got many of us thinking (quite rightly) on the importance of "getting our affairs in order". that and of course the kind offers from television stations and websites to download living wills from their websites.
for magnificent and i, the biggest concern is guardianship of the kidlets. which i have written about previously, and much to my discredit, have not done anything about since that time.
but last night magchar and i actually sat down and started writing down couples we considered as options.
it was like writing a singles ad, or a job description. WANTED, must have these requirements, salary non negotiable, extremely long hours, generally thankless job unless child wins academy award.
from chats with girlfriends steph, jane and lynsey, i was able to state what some of my prerequisites were.
LOCATION is incredibly important. an excellent guardian couple choice live in new zealand. however, if the triumverate and young sebastain went to live with them, how often would their canadian relatives see them? not often, i am guessing.
AGE counts. right now lots of my girlfriends have their parents listed as official guardians to their children. but as shayna pointed out, do our parents really want to have to discipline kids? they deserve these days of spoiling. they worked hard and put in their disciplining days when they parented us. they deserve to kick back and only see the excellence of their grandchildren. raising kids is exhausting. i can only imagine raising teenagers is more of the same, except with more emphasis on taking yourself right back up those stairs and changing into something not so revealing. (aww dad! i can’t believe you said that! everyone is wearing this! well everyone does not look like you in this, and everyone is not 14 years old!) tiring work. my parents are in their 50’s. is it fair to ask them to put in 20 more years of parenting and to relinquish the joy of grandparenting? same with people whose children are already teens. and you can tell they’ve put in their time and are looking forward to the freedom. is it fair? then again, is both parents dying?
RELIGION. it is important to me that our children are raised in the church. That cuts out some of my best friends (for now! heh heh heh.)
$$$$$ – it is a little known fact that children, are expensive. i wouldn’t want my kids to financially cripple a family. sure, money is the least important in this scenario, but if both parents are having to work two jobs to support their newly acquired family, their medications and doctors, and let’s not even talk about education, is that fair to them and would it affect the quality of the family unit?
how many? – then there is the issue of, how many kids??? most of my friends already have two plus children. if they have two, they’re planning on more. six children is a brady bunch. i’ve read the birth order books, (a great one is WHY FIRST BORNS RULE THE WORLD AND LAST BORNS WANT TO CHANGE IT), and this would be very confusing and tough. it would be difficult enough for the existing children in the house my four were going into to adjust to the concept of brothers and sisters, and wouldnt’ the parents be pulled in how many new directions trying to show love to their children, plus the tentative, painful journey of embracing s, j, s,&c into their world? and then our friends who do not have children, they are planning on starting their own family, and you sort of want to see how much they enjoy parenting before you ask them to take on your own kids.
(having said that, i re-read my own blogs and i am stunned that anyone would ask me to be a guardian to their children. thank you for your faith in me and understanding that you can still be sarcastic and exaggerate and love someone to bits!)
this is incredibly difficult, planning your children’s new parents. because what you want, of course, are the closest people to YOU that you can find, because at the end of the day, the best parents for my children, and mc and myself. i hate having this adoption discussion, but i know i have to do it. because as painful as it is, if mc and i did die, and this matter was unresolved, having my family divided up and slotted into foster care is one million times worse the angst and unhappiness this adoption discussion causes me.
more soon.
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What you are doing has to be one of the most horrid acts of love there are, and one rarely tended to. Bravo to both of you. Really.
*whew* as i told you before, this task took us a couple of years. i do feel more relieved that it’s done. although, we still have other tasks left (life insurance, trustee, wills, etc.) this one complete does take a burden off. thanks for the kick in the pants.
and of course, we all hope this will never become an issue. truely the best parents for seb, jazz, sela, and carys are you and m.c.
It’s a hard conversation, but so important. My dad tried to bring it up with my brother when we went to visit to see my niece after she was born. At 25 he was not ready to think about not being around and I do wonder if they will actually pick someone. I think you’ve made some wise observations, especially about not having grandparents do the raising. They do deserve the time to do the spoiling. That’s what worries me a bit about my niece because I do think if something happened her other grandparents would raise her and it just doesn’t seem quite right.
Good luck!
p.s. i’m finally adding new (and some old) pix, as you (and so many others) requested 😀
My husband and I are just now completing this process – we started in January and should have the final documents to sign any day. Anyway, I wanted to say that we were advised to leave our children to one person vs a couple (even when they are a couple). It gives longivity to the selection in case said couple divorces (heaven forbid) and clarifies your choice in such a case as well. Having nearly completed the process myself, the end is much better than the beginnning and middle! Good luck!
Tess,
I’m in a similar boat as you. We have nobody that we would want to raise our kids should the worst happen.
We know who we would NOT want to have them, but not sure who we would like to or be able to take them on.
My mom is out, his mom is out. No way we’d want either of them to have the kids. My dad could afford to, he’s retired though and lives a life of freedom. Travel, golfing daily, he and my stepmom have their own thing going on. My siblings? Not a chance! His siblings? No way in hell!
That leaves me with my oldest son and his wife. But is it fair to ask 20 year olds to take on 6 kids just as they are starting their own life, their own family?
So for now, we better live, dh and I. HAHA
Awful but necessary things to think about…
OK, here goes my two cents… I cannot imagine how difficult this choice is for you both, and I wish you all the best luck in your decision making.
I dont have overflowing amounts of $$ ( as of yet,, have not checked lotto numbers yet), I dont have religion ( to the extent that you need), BUT you know I would do it for you in heartbeat! All I being a selfish family member would ask, is that we could still see your children grow, as it gives us suuch joy over here on this side of the pacific!
I guess I am being a bit sentimental today.. anyhow I know you two will find the perfect person(s) for your quest.
Love to you all,
Auntie Pammie
We are going throught the same discussions. One thing we considered that you did not bring up is health concerns (long term risks). I think you mentioned that our parents could die. I can’t imagine anything worse for a young person than losing patents twice.
About the money part, we bought significant life insurance. One main reason is that our list of people with appropriate values does not include anyone with enough money. Therefore, we took care of a good part of that ourselves.
Good luck.
My sister gets our kids in the event that we both die before they reach 19. We both have insurance to make sure there will be no financial hardship raising them and they would have some $$ to start their adult lives with. My sister lives next door to us so my kids would not have to undergo a complete enviroment change and my parents are nearby as well as a few other siblings.
In the event my sister and BIL die we get their two, and a similar financial situation. We are lucky I guess. Just hoping we never have to take each other up on our promise…
Oh hun what a heartwrenching decision to make. With a family of your size and mine it is a tough one for sure. I do understand ALL that you are saying and we have been struggling with this decision for 12 years ourselves. Luckily we have 2 older children and they will be on their own in only a few short years but alas..the boys will be with us for many!!!!! PS…I live very close to your family and could give them a break WHENEVER they needed!!!! I have the room(tee hee) Be stong in your decisions knowing that what you are doing is right for your children no matter how others may feel!!!!! HUGS
Carmen
Tess,
That has to be one of the hardest decisions that anyone has to make for their children. You want the very very best for them and you want them to be brought up with your values and beliefs. Also, of course you want them to see a lot of your family. It is important that they know their roots and how much they are loved. At the Marlborough Sounds I had the same conversation with my SIL, as her and her husband (Mike’s brother) are also debating the same issue. Not an easy choice my dear friend yet so incredibly important. We will keep you in our prayers as you make it.
Lots of love
Trinie