our experiences truly are our watermarks, or ground zero.
the other day i was with two ladies from a neighbouring church, new acquaintances. one was bemoaning that her recent dadughter had been born at 36 weeks.
"oh i am so scared, having a premature baby is filled with such fears. i worry for her health, that she may be developmentally delayed, that her lungs may not be properly developed…." and she continued listing the worries.
while i managed to be helpful and point out some good statistics and websites, and milestones in her daughter’s development that have already been observed, a small part of me asked, "ARE YOU KIDDING? I WOULD GIVE MY HUSBAND’S BRITISH INVASION COLLECTION, AND ANYTHING OF VALUE (not that i am hinting that my husbands british invasion lp collection isn’t of value……) to have given birth to children at 36 weeks gestation."
later on, i was fiddling around an internet board and read a post by a new mother who had given birth to twins at 28w. and her sentiments are exactly the same as the mother of the daughter born at 36 weeks. fear for the babies, the potential health and mental issues. and the responders to her post reply, this is the worst thing, so terrible. and the mother updates, the babies weren’t on vents, but still, cpap is very scary, not breathing on their own…so close to death, yes indeed….
and i am thinking as i read the diagnosis and drugs…no, these twins are doing so well. and while three and one half pounds seems tiny to you, that’s HUGE.
and i am also thinking…oh, and about the vent? try having to have the vent shoved down your child’s throat and knowing each hour it stays there potentially compromises their future health but knowing unless it’s there the child has no earthly future….and again i think thoughts about charles’ lp collection and even throw in my sweet valley high series for good measure…..if only the triumverate could have made it to 28 weeks.
and then i get an email from my friend jilly. i wasn’t expecting this email for a few months, four to be exact. her twins have been born at 23w5d gestation. the little girl has already died. her son, whom she is too scared to name, is wrapped like a mummy in gauze, she can’t even touch him. her aching breasts can’t even provide for him nutritionally, he is only taking sugar water.
the penny drops. i know she would give anything to have carried him and his sister until 26 weeks. 24 weeks is her water mark just as definitely as 26 is mine.
no matter how easy we think others have had it, someone has had it worse than we have. and their fears are very real. it’s their experience. they don’t go into the preemie world with knowledge, they went in hoping for a perfect, "take home baby" like the majority gets.
i don’t know where those flashes of "nicu" impatience came from. as someone else observed, you get it with infertility as well.
my ground zero doesn’t have any tiny white crosses. instead of criticising other’s, i should be helping them out of the rubble, dusting them off. usually i do, but sometimes i forget.
Reader interactions
9 Replies to “but from where i stand”
Tess,
your points are so poignant. With any life experience, there is the inevitable comparison of where one has been or would like to be.
I find myself thinking, sometimes, that it would have been so much easier to have had another early miscarriage, instead of the second trimester loss that I last experienced – so when I see people miserable with their loss at, say, 8wks, I think to myself, well at least you didn’t travel in my shoes.
Yet, I see people with later losses than mine, and I realize that if I had to experience that loss, perhaps it was best that it was second trimester, and not a too early birth.
There is always a place to compare. What gets us all through it, however, is to find that common thread of loss and live life with compassion for all parts of the spectrum of life’s experiences.
Thank you for reminding me, yet again, to be thankful for my own spot in that spectrum.
xoxo
much saddness for jilly. thinking of her and her son and daughter.
My heart goes out to your friend.
I’m so sorry about your friend- how totally heartbreaking.
And yeah, its hard not to compare. I don’t have any NICU experience (thank god), but boatloads of IF. And while I hated my miscarriages, hated the embryos blowing up in the petri dish, hated all the waiting between cycles- to me that seems easier to bear than what others have been through re: stillbirth, 2nd trimester losses. They are all horrible and we have that in common, but then there are degrees of horribleness. I’m not sure I’m making any sense, but I get what you are saying, if from a different perspective.
So many thoughts crossed my head while I read your post. I remember the “fertility” jeaolusy I had when my close co-worker got pregnant after a month of trying. I was mad at the world and then she went onto miscarrying at 8 weeks after telling every single person in the office she was pregnant … I felt so silly ad guilty for having those thoughts while I was still pregnant with the twins.
Now with the NICU experience, everything escalates because it´s your child life at stake and I just had again no patience with people who had it better than us (most of them did, during those endless days, it seemed) but then the twins turned the corner and a few others were having harder times than us. I tried my best to be there for them as I understood what they were feeling. Probably what I was feeling for myself before. It´s such a complex issue, but one that I always have to work hard at this. Sorry for hijacking your blog but this is such a personal and touching topic.
Oh, and I am very sorry for your friends´loss.
Beautifully written, Tess.
I’m so sorry about your friend’s loss. I will pray for Jilly and for her son, for all that family.
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