it has been very good for me to hold my sick little carys this past 24 hours. the racing bundle is quiet and hot in my arms, a painful exhale coming through her cracked dehydrated mouth every once and a while. holding her, smoothing back what little of her hair there is, placing tiny kisses on her face, it’s all good.
and timely.
prematurity is on my mind again.
i have met online a couple going through their own preemie hell. they chose a very unusual name for their son, ironically my nephew has the name name. i feel close to them, but as they describe their NICU days, i find myself clenching my fists, chewing my lip.
i am reading a memoir of a mum who had a son in the NICU for a few short days. reading of how every day and hour counts when you are desperately trying not to give birth (after desperately trying to get pregnant) and then seeing your precious baby, or what the tapes and tubes aren’t covering…it brings it all home again.
the other night we had a dinner with another couple who knew a lady with twins. her boys were born the same day as the triplets were. i had met this woman back in june, and when she confirmed that my babies had been born the same day as hers, she leaned forward and said, "i heard you crying. i asked if there was anything they could do for you. they said no. but i heard you crying tess."
when the lady recounted that story to me i started crying right then and there. mainly because i didn’t remember the crying…had i cried in the hospital ward? mainly because i remembered the fear of that day. the pain of the caesarean (which was infected), but trying to walk because i needed to get to the babies. but being afraid to see their pictures. not wanting to see the damage my damaged body had caused them.
and i had a happy ending to my story. it seems i don’t have the right to make this a bigger drama than it was…sick children that went on to be healthy. my children lived. and i am quite certain that thanks to God and therapy i am over the post traumatic stress i experienced after the babies came home and my mind took in all that had occurred to us.
but it is all so tender to me still.
Reader interactions
4 Replies to “do we ever get over it?”
Tess
You are the only person I have ever “talked” to that expresses the same feelings I had. My 27 weekers went through Hell and back but survived to grow and thrive. DS has mild CP. DD’s both have language delays. Nothing we can’t handle. But for months I would lay in bed at night and replay the entire pregnancy over and over in my head. I replayed that moment when we were told DS was fading. I felt like I could smell those old smells, feel the emotions like it was happening right then. I elt like I was never going to move forward. Somehow, 2 1/2 years later, those memories have been replaced by happier ones. But when I read those new parents journals I cry like a baby every time!
Oh sweetie, don’t even know what to say. The feeling of powerlessness must be one of the hardest to bear. I m so very happy they’re home now, and safe!
I love you and miss you all the more…remembering those days…and praying with and for you and the three…and being there to celebrate that first birthday…and knowing that God had and has a HUGE plan for each of you in all of this…keep it tender, keep it all close… and hold carys tight…xo lyns
Your babies were so much more premature than our 30-weekers, and they had such scary medical issues to overcome. I’m not surprised that you had trauma and grief to work through, once it was “safe” to do so. Your and Charles’ faith and courage was and is amazing to me.
I too went to counselling after the birth of our preemies, and it was very helpful. I continued for about 5 months. There were so many disturbing thoughts and images, and I suffered from panic attacks, intense anxiety and intense memories of the worst times. I think I also had PPD. It was a horrible time, but counselling got me through it. And the excellent support of family and friends.
I know exactly what you mean. Those are the feelings that motivate me to be involved with parents of multiples groups, to try to help others in those difficult situations.
And I guess that’s also why I am drawn to blogs about infertility, multiple births and parenting. It’s good to read of others’ experiences, especially when they articulate my own feelings in a fresh way.
I am also so nostalgic for those baby and toddler days. It hurts that we don’t get to experience those sweet times again, (while not being sleep-deprived and sick, and now feeling competent as a parent!) And it hurts that my memories of those intense times are fading.
Thanks for another poignant post, which helps me to understand myself a little better.
I am sorry for all that you and your precious babies endured. And I’m so delighted that you all have a “happy ending” to your story!