this isn’t a chastising statement, a new year’s resolution, or something i say after finishing a particularly nice dish of curry.

it’s a fact. considering the sliding i do and squeaking out of tense and potentially loaded questions and circumstances, i should be dental floss on legs.

examples:

1) how do babies get made, mummy? asked sebastian on friday. : (instant colonic as he asks! and why does he never ask his father those questions!) and i managed to answer the question, quite boringly, and sweated off another 15 as i casually answered, "well you need a part from a lady and a part from a man to make a baby." and thank the Lord, (oh yes athiests, there is a God!) sebastian then got particular. "do you need a bit from a lady and a bit from the man to make hair/teeth/bones" and by the time we hit bones i was also able to talk about nutrition and growth…whew.

2) jasper’s crisis. there has been a lot of excitement about kennedy school and primary one. jasper was very involved in the excitement and magnificent and i did a lot of back patting, priding ourselves on how jasper and sebastian seemed to be getting closer and bonding, how sweet it was that jasper was so happy for sebastian and interested. and then the day before sebastian was to start at school, jasper announced that he was going to kennedy in the morning as well.  and burst into tears when i informed him that would not be the case.

"but i want to go to kennedy!"

quick tess, think. say something. (where is magnificent when the tough news has to be delivered?)

meanwhile, jasper is getting redder, breathing raspier, and he is simultanously wiping tears from both eyes with one hand, something that sebastian does as well.

panic, sweat…wait, this might do.

"jasper, how do you think miss tess would feel if you didn’t show up for school?"

"mith teth?"

"yes, miss tess, how do you think she would feel if you didn’t show up for school on the first day. do you think she might be sad?"

"yes. mith teth is my teacher."

"that’s right, jasper, and you get to sing "i am a pizza" with her, and you get to read, and she would miss you so much. you need to be in her class this year. and all your friends would miss you so much also."

"yeth. they would. okay, i will go back to thmall world."

that should have been 10 gone.

there are other examples. just five pounds maybe, but knowing that carys was crying today as i was putting on her princess fiona bandaid (princess fiona is beautiful like you mummy said sela) because to her the bandaid was upside down, and turning it 180 degrees so she could see it properly, that’s gotta be worth something.

so why am i not nicole richie, (minus the pregnancy and the jail sentence)?