i have a confession to make:

i don’t like feeding my babies.

given that it is a miracle that these babies are alive at all, i feel guilty admitting this. but there is no point in hiding this apparently unmaternal, unsavoury truth.

feeding, or rather, futile-y attempting to feed the babies frustrates me immensely.

preemie babies like our triplets take a long time to feed. their swallowing is not strong, the breathe, suck swallow pattern is shallow and easily messed up. and they get tired quickly. it takes at least one hour to feed five ounces to a baby. three babies, five feeds per day…15 hours of feeding. thankfully our helpers are incredibly patient with the babies and their friends help out.

it is frustrating to hold a baby, and have them push away the nipple and or choke on the milk because they have forgotten to swallow.

you need this milk! i feel like saying. please drink it, you’re not gaining weight fast enough.

when sebastian was a baby, feeding wasn’t an issue because he was so efficient at it. burping took seconds and bottles were drained in minutes. then we were off somewhere, to the market, on a hike, to a friend’s house. but the times, they are a changin’ (just like nappies).

right now the triplets all have bronchialitis. did i mention that? they’re not even making the effort to feed it seems. jasper is crying constantly, and has to be fed every 90 minutes. of course, he is only taking two ounces per feed instead of his usual six. and he won’t eat rice cereal. either will sela.

and poor carys is barely eating at all. she has drippy nose and weepy eyes. poor pet.

oh, and they all have diahhrea. i know that is spelt wrong but i only have ten minutes to write this before someone needs feeding so you can forget spell check.

at their next appointment, the doctor isn’t going to look at them and chastize them for their insufficient weight gain, she will be looking to me. my one job these days (besides the part time tatler gig) is looking after babies. and i can’t even do that right? after i swore to them that i would look after them?? i am lying to my children! how low is that??

and magnificent charles (more on him later!!!) is leaving for india on sunday. he is gone a lot these days and i miss him a great deal already.

expect the next few days worth of blogs to follow on this rather emotional vein. wish me luck. if you care to drop by during jasper, sela and carys’ feeding times, we can discuss my feelings in person.