it’s deadline time for my column, so in order to extend my procrastination, here is my list for how i procrastinate, and the always necessary justification:

10. surf you tube – it’s just so great. and this way, i am still near the computer so when i get the guilts (shag the guilts!) my work is nearby

9. spend time with my darlings – what a good mother i am! nothing is more important than my children! a clear conscience enables me to write with focus and clarity.

8. touch up my pedicure – ahh, better. wearing my too tight louboutin (suspected but nearly confirmed) knockoffs caused a pit of my THRILL OF BRAZIL red nailpolish to chip off. toes are very important to the rest of your body, and i shouldn’t jeopardise my health by not properly caring for my feet. being in optimum health ensures nothing will distract me from writing.

7. snack time – a quick healthy snack (what? i don’t keep lentils in the house?) will re-invigorate me and cause me to think up all sorts of witty tru-isms and i will zip through the column and finish it in record time. actually, i see myself finishing it very quickly. all because i ate. technically, the more i eat, the faster i will finish.

6. manicure – can’t have scrotty looking fingers if your feet are looking perfecto, now can you? and besdies, typing with a chipped nail (especially since i will be typing speedily following my delish snacks) would slow me down and might hinder my artistic impression and we can’t have that.

5. i had forgotten how adept i am at procrastinating, halfway done! let me take a wee break, be right back.

(brushing crumbs off self).

re-read a chaper of persuasion. yes, the jane austen tome is our book club choice for this month and i must confess, i am not all that into it. if it didn’t have the jane austen byline attached to it, i might have given it up. i got a bit upset with the wet girl, listening to people that obviously weren’t as stellar as we were supposed to believe they were. but it’s JANE AUSTEN everyone who disagrees with me cries, and i must admit, that seems a rather weak argument! and so i either have to re-read the whole book and start loving it, or re-read the whole book and get ready to take the rest of the team on in what will be a civilised but firm argument. reading, especially fine literature like JANE AUSTEN can only help me become a better writer.

4. turn off music. that was good for the researching part, but really, 3 Dog Night isn’t particularly helpful throughout the writing process. tour the flat to see if any windows need closing. if my music was playing loudly and the windows were open, i might have offended a neighbour. tara is just seven floors up. i might have to visit her to apologise and check. crap. she’s out of town.

3. make a phone call – surely someone needs to hear from me. i have been a virual hermit all day long! contact with the outer world will give me the opportunity to be in touch with other people and to bounce my ideas and flow off them and they can give me feedback…a free edit. obviously beneficial to my writing.

2. brush teeth and floss –  think i have a poppyseed (squatter from the poppyseed and very low fat cream cheese bagel i consumed earlier) in my teeth. nothing is more important than good dental care. except my toes and fingers. but if i have a toothache i won’t be able to write at all, which would not be beneficial to me or the column. and flossing. since i am right here infront of the mirror, this is an excellent opportunity to floss as well. flossing is also very important. i can think about smart sentences as i admire my cavity and filling free mouth.

1. clean – cleaning my house of clutter is symbolic of the excess free writing i will do just as soon as i return to it. congratulate me.

this column, whenever it gets written, is going to be excellent. surely my most stellar effort yet.

let’s celebrate.