i went to my parenting course tonight. a couple of the questions asked of us are going to stay with me for a while, which is why i am awake right now instead of sleeping happily or reading vanity fair.
1) if you could only have one memory of you and your mother, what would it be?
2) what traits do you want your children to remember about you?
3) what is one area in parenting where you are doing a good job?
question one is a tough one for me, i don’t want to do my mother a disservice by forgetting one of the great times we have shared together. there are memories that evoke security, laughter, easy contentment, the realisation we had both grown away from holds of the past. there are memories where i am just watching her jogging by the house, with her friends. and those memories stayed with me, of how people flocked to her, became interested in her interests, and how she managed to get up at 6am, run by her friends houses where each waited outside and jog 4 miles, bathe and still have breakfast on the table for us by 7.30am all those memories are important, so it is tough to choose just one.
as for question two: i would like my children to remember me as someone who could admit when she was wrong. someone who loved God and acted like she knew God loved and forgave her and was part of her daily life. someone who loved and liked her children, and her husband. to quote a great mother i know, "someone who raised her children so they would one day leave the home equipped with God, knowledge, compassion, discernment, curiousity and love."
one area i am doing a good job. this is a tough one because i mainly focus on where i am failing or sounding like a shrew. um…i think i am getting across to my children not only the love i have for them, but the like i have for them. particularly sebastian. he gets off the bus, and as often as i can i am there, to give him a big hug and my pat statement, "i am so glad to see you". i am not interested so much in what he has done since i last held him to hug him goodbye, i am interested in letting him know that i am glad to see him again. full stop.
i am constantly surprised by the guesswork involved in parenting. and the responsibility. and how each day i can get up and say, "i am going to do the best i can do", and console myself that my best can be better tomorrow. and sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t.
do our kids remember that we tried hard? does that count? do i just remember that my parents tried hard because i feel that they "succeeded" in being good and loving parents?
oprah and maya angelou say, "parents who know better, do better." is that true? it is a terribly empowering rah rah statement, that is catchy and yay, but i don’t know if it is true. sometimes i am too tired to follow through on my parenting. i hear a scuffle, and i don’t get up and investigate. sometimes even though i have uttered, "the next time you (insert sin here), i will (insert punishment here)" and i don’t. i pretend i didn’t hear the crime, or see it. i suspect i am not the only one who does this, but does this put me in the category of person who doesn’t know better? can’t i be a person who as often as she has the energy, does better? because that’s where i fit.
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4 Replies to “of mothers and me”
Amen!
I am often confused, because some of the “experts” say to ignore some behaviours because it just draws attention to them. They say to focus on the positive, not the negative. And they also say that we need to let the kids resolve disagreements on their own.
To do that, we need to teach them how. To teach them, we need to be be there every second. And to be there every second, we need to NEVER be too tired and have 15 arms and legs and somehow be everywhere at once. Have boundless energy and run over there everytime we hear a scuffle.
I also find the more of them there are, the harder time I have of following through. If we happen to be working on Cheekiness from one, and I just put something in the oven and another one just stubbed their toe, is crying and needs kisses, while another is trying to have a deep, important conversation with me, how am I supposed to instantly drop all that and go deal with the cheeky one?? EVERY TIME he is cheeky?? Which is every 10 minutes some days?? *sigh*
It is the hardest job I have ever had and I just pray I am not screwing them up too much!
preach on, sister! When I have had enough sleep I do better!
from one multiple mom to another, I say – we are doing the best we can and that needs to be good enough!
Well said Tess! I think the big thing is that we keep trying. The not giving up, and persevering, even if you stumble and fall shows our kids that sometimes it is not the destination, but the journey that matters more. And as parents, we are obviously their biggest fans, cheering them on and giving them the strength to keep on journeying. (hmm.. I think I just made up a word)
Hear hear on the journey/destination bit. But sadly, at certain points along the way, you realize you’ve reached a destination (wherever you are at that moment), and can reflect on the journey. While I will try to do my level best, I am confident that somewhere my girls will be throughouly pissed at me for screwing up their life. I was with my parents. I never want that, but somehow see it coming. I dunno. If you concentrate on being your children’s best friend, you can’t be a good parent. So at times they will hate you. I guess if the overall look back has more God, knowledge, compassion, discernment, curiousity and love than all the negatives, you’re doing okay. Me? I’ll be happy if my girls keep out of jail.