no, this is not an announcement of a monthly visitor, but certainly that time of month (TTOM) will be mentioned today.

although magnificent and i have decided that our relations from now on are to be stricly recreational, and i certainly have no desire for more children, i am stunned to realise every month i get a little pang of regret when i realise i am not pregnant.

possibly it is an old habit die hard emotion. for so many months, the red badge of discouragement signalled failure, and i still relate it to that. those months when my year was divided into 12 opportunities to get pregnant. the carefully casual attitude when january and february were a bust, the faint panic when may rolled round and i realised the year was almost half over, the despair of december.

but it is so unreasonable to feel disappointed NOW.

frankly, if our recreational activities turned pro-creational, i would be humiliated beyond belief. imagine having to listen to all the people out there who would be saying, "you see! you didn’t need that fertility stuff, you just had to relax!" or various versions of, which would inevitably include a retelling of how the same thing happened to their relative/friend/teacher. i would become a casestudy statistic for the misinformed cheeries that i so dislike. the people who think infertility can be solved with time, when really, its almost the exact opposite. the fear of having to listen to their slightly condescending i told you so’s is an excellent reason not to get pregnant. (my sanity has to enter in somewhere as well.)

so what’s with the disappointment? reminders of inadequacy, i suppose.

the other day, while visiting the "epilepsy clinic" at the hospital, doogie howser goes asia averted eye contact and said,

i must ask you something

sure

are you sexually active

i thought the conversation was going to be heading as to whether the increased levels of anticonvulsants decreased/increased sex drive. you get a lot of questions like that.

not bad, considering. and i gave him a figure that is above, i might say, the FHM average.

i thought he would ask about before the medication was increased, but instead, his hand jumped to his prescription pad.

i am going to have to prescribe you some folic acid because in case of pregnancy you really need to protect your baby…dangerous drug….high increases of spina bifida….

excuse me, i barged in….have you read my file?

well, not recently.

did you read how many children i have?

well, not really.

well you should. i have four. one and triplets. i am not having any more children. put down your pen. immediately.

he did, but i dont think he’s read the file yet.

i really don’t want any more children. it sounds ungrateful given the road we have travelled to be able to have children, and i hope i don’t offend anyone with that statement.  i need to get over this loss feeling. i don’t like feeling sad 12 times a year for something i need to be happy about. or on another angle, an email friend of mine who recently had a baby, when i shared this TTOM sorrow with her, said that apon TTOM i should  be feeling PROUD that (infertility stuff removed) there was even the possibility i might be pregnant because that indicates that recreational activities were had.

note to self: accept that recreation is fun and just leave it there. fun for fun’s sake. concept not really known to couples struggling with IF. accept that the age old sport of pro-creation can be played in competitive and recreational leagues. 

but what about the rookies who play smarter than experienced pros? an acquaintance of mine just completed her first IVF and is waiting results. i see her, and she is so cool. is accepting that the entire matter is out of her control, and is serenely waiting out the last two days of her two week wait. has purchased a HPT which IS IN HER HOUSE and has been for the past three days, and she hasn’t even opened it, much less ripped off the celophane covering. she will test the day of the beta blood test. who are these incredible people? i wish i was like that, but i am NOT. i cheerlead from the benches, or even from the field.

i hope i reach acceptance before it is time to play in the old-timer’s league.