saturday morning the phone rang. i was just finishing reading a book with the kids and was not going to get up and answer it. lita picked up the phone, said a greeting, listened for a moment and gave the telephone to me.

the kids were swirling around me, but i gamely put the phone to my ear. would it be tara reporting what she had thought of dreamgirls? a distinct possibility. stephenie, a friend visiting from out of town? a little early to hear from her, but you never know.

"hello?" i said.

"….this is peter…." the voice was chinese, educated, definitely, with a lovely english accent. i could barely hear him though. "…don’t you remember me?"

"i’m sorry?" i moved a couple of feet away from the kids, who took advantage of the free use of the sofa to turn somersaults and demand i watch! while giggling and shrieking.

again. "..this is peter…"

peter…peter…chinese peter english accent…oh — what was the name of winnie’s new husband? was it him? no, he’s not peter. is there anyone in our alpha group named peter?

i felt like a csi thumbprint matching database. i was running scenarios through my mind wondering how i knew this person. and he wasn’t much help.

"this is peter…don’t you remember me?"

oh, the concept of saving face is so important in asia. deep breath.

"no, i am sorry, i don’t." thank goodness i have kids. "the kids are so loud, i can barely hear you…"

i am walking away from the kids, but i can still barely hear him and i notice that lita is following me which she NEVER does.

and then "peter" put his cards on the table. "well, tonight i could come over.." he started, just as lita moved infront of me and said factually, "he is a pervert". and peter continued telling me what he could do, and poor boy, although he had the  greeting "hello my name is peter do you remember me" bit down  from what must be the smash hit, IMPROVE YOUR ENGLISH THROUGH PERVY PHONE CALLS TO CAUCASIAN HOUSEWIVES, he obviously hasn’t had much practise on chapter two, "general anatomy".

any one who can make my bits rhyme with spatula needs help.

i handed the phone to charles, who looked at me oddly, said, "hello?" into the phone, and then looked into the receiver (as is our natural reflex) and said, predictably, "the person hung up". i explained what had happened, and magnificent said, "how did they get your number?"

i asked lita and she said when she picked up the receiver she didn’t get a greeting, she just got the "hello this is peter". Obviously IYETPPTCH does not include a chapter on introductions. i think i will get my published friend tertia to write a quick note to IYETPPTCH’s publishers suggesting that they do so.

possibly those happen when he comes over.

magnificent was much (overly) disconcerted. how did he get my number. he wasn’t impressed when i suggested i gave it to him. he accepted that possibly he got it from the phone book, in which we have been listed for the past decade. he was relieved to be told by lita and my good self that peter had not asked for me specifically. (possibly in future he will ask for "the lady of the house", just like any other salesman). he acknowledged that caldwell sounds like a typical caucasian name. he agreed there was no need for him to cancel his business trip, but i MUST inform him if pervy pete calls again.

no problem.

spatula !!!!