thursday night charles and i are talking about it.
(it = sex.)
which is kind of ironic, given that our children are the result of ivf. technically speaking, we could be Bibilically ignorant of each other. you never know.
the good news is, talking about it is just as good as doing it, so this counts as one of our four nights this week.
the bad news is, we are talking about it to a bunch of gorgeous teenagers, aged between 14 and 17 at church. you hear me dog. (practicing hip talk so i can relate).
and we are answering questions they anonymously submitted last week which include:
*Is being single better than being in a relationship?
* What if you are dating someone and they want to go farther than they do and you are afraid they will break up with you?
and then, tess and charles get to explain the importance of sex in marriage.
what do tess and charles know about this topic?
do i say my little mantra, "it takes so little time and makes them so happy"?
will charles get mad if i say that (let’s test run it here and see if he does….but i mean relatively speaking. it’s not like sitting through old dharma and greg episodes or anything.)
charles actually has some very good answers on this topic. me, i take the less entrepreneurial approach, and i quote other people. i have found a really good article from men’s health where a man writes that the minute he has made a conquest, he is less interested in the woman, no matter how fascinating she is, or how much better she is than he.
but i also have to talk about sex, and regrets. yes, this could be a long night, kids. bring a pillow.
besides giving the talk to your own kids and their friends, has anyone ever done anything like this before? even if you haven’t, can you please give me/us some advice please? i mean really! today i gave a talk on toilet training multiples, which was easy (employ lita), but this, yikes!
what is the importance of sex in a marriage that we can tell unmarried teenagers?
Reader interactions
8 Replies to “THE talk”
It’s been a while since I last lectured on the topic but I do believe the safest response is to say ” ask your mother” and then select the best answer when the teenagers report back.
Love to all.. Dad (whose therapist claims should no longer lecture on racy or controversial topics).
So when my 3 yr old says that babies come out your mouth, do I have to correct her?
Really I have ZERO advice, sorry
When my husband and I were in pre-marital counseling (required by our church) we were given an excellent answer: “Sex is a physical reaffirmation of your marriage vows.” The theological basis for that was long and complex but the gist of it was that you vow to love and honor and sex within marriage reinforces these concepts by bringing you to a closer understanding of your partner by giving the gift of your selves.
Also, some of the best conversations my husband and I have had about beliefs and morals have come after sex.
I’d also recommend “Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. While this book is, ah, Very Catholic it also has a ton of good information and thought provoking discussion that can be separated from the theology.
I used to tell my students that it was more special and meaningful when you do it with someone you love. How special can it be if you share it with everyone?
Haha, in school they always pulled out the blown up std photos. That alone should be enough! 😉
im sure you’ll be fantastic! xox
just, whatever you do, don’t lie to them. they are teens, but they aren’t stupid. sex feels good (if done correctly). evolution made sure of that or we wouldn’t be here. of course, evolution also gave us brains capable of rational though and the ability to act on our rationality. another truth? most teens will have sex anyway. can’t deny that one either. teaching them how to do it safely and how to deal with the emotions that come with it (love, regret, all of it) will go a lot further than saying, “wait until you are married.”
LOL I used to teach biology at a mililary school (full of horny teenage boys!) and the STD pics were the best I could do.
However, in a church environment…you have a lot more on your side…
I would share with them that having sex before marriage adds a lot of baggage…it can be dealt with but it will be more satisfying if they wait. And who needs more baggage in a marriage today?
It will mean a lot coming from someone that isn’t mom/dad so do be honest…but maybe not too drawn out (no pillows necessary…that got a chuckle from me by the way).
Good luck…and prayers.
Holly
Tess:
A feminist Christian male history professor has written a whole host of thought-provoking posts about teaching healthy sexuality, both in college and in Christian high-school youth groups. I’m not sure I agree with absolutely everything he writes, but I’m filing away quite a lot of it for future use. Maybe you and Charles will find some of it inspiring (at the least, in clarifying your own thoughts and values).
A topic especially hard to raise in a high-school setting, but one I believe is of utmost importance, is the topic of no. Schwyzer writes, at http://tinyurl.com/2n3eoo
” I always argue that anything short of an authentic, honest, uncoerced, aroused and sober “Hell, yes!” is, in the end, just a “no” in another form.”
I don’t know how you raise that appropriately, but I think it’s a message that every teenager needs to hear, over and over and over again.
Here are links to some of his other blog posts I find worthwhile (even when I don’t agree with all of his ideas):
http://tinyurl.com/2ax8cn
http://tinyurl.com/ypx6ov
http://tinyurl.com/yutsvw