the kids asked how babies were born.

i blame auntie pammie and her burgeoning belly.

sebastian has asked before, and i have vaguely alluded to the "birth canal" (quite brilliantly) and then changed topics.

but the other night, there was no where to run. every time i tried to change the topic…they managed to get back to birthin babies.

"oh look everyone, is that a little bee?"
"How does the bee get out of it's mummies uterus?"

"so yes, the birth canal which we've talked about before. and we've also talked about dessert!!!"
(how could that fail??)
"but where is the birth canal? where? i want to know!"

so it was, i decided, time.

i could have just told sebastian, but he would have just told the others, i reckoned, so it was just best to tell them all. bloody PAM! not only did she steal my fertility, but she made me have this conversation!

matters were not helped by my mother, who stood behind the children, laughing and gesturing and and saying helpful things like, "yes, tess, how?" i am slightly less repentant for being such a PITA child.

"all right, kids, i will tell you." i promised.

and then i started laughing.

(please note that charles was on a conference call upstairs.)

i bit the inside of my cheek and started.

"when you looked at auntie pammy's body, where is the big bump?"

all the kids make approximate gestures.

is it anywhere near her throat?

they all decided no.

is it anywhere near her bottom?

they all decided no.

well, what other holes are there on a person?

my mother redeemed herself slightly by supplying, "woman!"

"…right…woman!"

i decided to let the kids figure this one out for themselves. i saw their minds visually darting over their understanding of the female form and drawing a blank. i guess it was up to me. i shared it with them.

thankfully, instead of horror on their faces, there was surprise. the triplets repeated the word, while sebastian said, really? does it hurt?

i told him that it did a bit, but that 30 seconds after he was laid on my chest i had forgotten that it hurt. he smiled at that bit.

so, there we go. they KNEW. it was over.

but hey, in for a penny, in for a pound, i was on a roll and ready to rock.

deep breath.

would you like to know how babies are made?

okay.

"well, the man and woman go somewhere usually cosy, and they usually lie down, and after a while, and maybe some kissing and cuddling, they take off their clothes, and then…"

at graeme's suggestion i used the term "the willy sort of sneezes" which the kids understood. they asked how big sperm were and what they looked like. i drew a picture. i got an egg from the fridge to explain fertilization. they asked if the baby is then massive. at that point i got some water and poured dish liquid into it. one bubble came up.

how many bubbles i asked.

one! most of them said.

and same in the mummy's tummy, except it is one small part of the baby. and then (i stirred the water slightly, making more bubbles) the baby grows. in the beginning the mummy's tummy is very flat, because there isn't much baby. but as there are more parts or bubbles, it grows (mad frothing of water, wild wishing that there was more fairy liquid left).

and then the baby grows and grows in the uterus and the mummy's uterus grows and then when the mummy's body decides it is ready, the baby is BORN! i declared.

then there was a little discussion about how we don't tell our friends this wonderful tale, that their mummies and daddies will want to tell them. why? inquired our kids. i said it was like the truth about santa claus. it isn't for us to tell the kids what we know. "yes," reflected sebastian. "we always know things first." (the burden of his overwhelming intelligence).

the discussion was over. i had to eat a SKOR bar to calm down.

had i done it well? had i scarred them? did i care? it was OVER!!!

the kids were all laissez faire about it. it's been a week and no one has brought it up.

the next day i did a little "howawya" with sebastian. charles was there.

"so sebbie, yesterday you learned how babies were born, and, made!"

"i don't like to think about it, mummy."

so there we are. i had made a right mess of it all. good thing charles was there to clean it up.

"why lovey?"

"does it hurt the mummy?"

"oh sweetheart. i didn't mind. not at all. in fact, my first words to you were not, "ouch! you hurt me!" but, "oh my little man, i love you so much"."

he smiled and climbed into my lap.

he looked at his father.

when you are making the baby, does it hurt the daddy?

i snuggled with my little boy, smiled and let charles answer that question without exaggerating, smiling or being too vehement.

is it a good thing that they haven't mentioned it again? do you think they have forgotten it? are my kids going to have boring $e# lives all because their mummy explained the whole thing wrong to them?  or even worse, do i have to explain it again?