in my youthful optimism (now that is optimistic!) that the babies would sleep on the plane, i bought a little airport booklet called clear your clutter. kind of an oxymoron: buying a little chutchkla on how you need to throw out stuff. but i bought it anyway. i love clearing out clutter, any tips on how to make me a better thrower outer, or a booklet telling me i am throwing things out like a pro was welcome.
interestingly, about half the booklet was devoted to "people clutter".
people clutter – people who at one time were very important to you, probably during a set phase in your life, when you were very close, and now that the stage has passed, you maintain a sort of relationship, but you really have nothing in common anymore. the examples they listed:
new mothers who become friends simply because they have children the same age. five years on, when one kid is being home schooled and the other is in boarding prep school, the mothers have nothing to really talk about, they disapprove of much of what the other does, or worse, they find it boring, yet they still stay in touch, invite the other to parties, because the other was such a source of support during those first few tough months after baby was born.
the person you leaned on during a trauma. there are some people who are very good at listening. when you go through a divorce, you tend to lean on this person, talk through the devastation your life seemingly is, call them when you are feeling weak or have just had a painful encounter. how, five years on, you have moved on, and while you will always be grateful to that person, you really don’t have a lot in common with them. they remain encouraging and positive about your life, but you really don’t click with them.
should you remain friends with these people?
according to the booklet, NO. the booklet says it takes courage to clear your life of your people clutter. it frees you up for other relationships, it frees them up also. invite them to your once a year parties, but don’t reserve two places at your for ten dinner parties for them, when you could have a couple that you and your partner really enjoy, or want to know better.
this sounds great in a booklet. but can you really pull it off?
i suppose so. i’ve done it before: after a lunch, not calling them, and not surprisingly, them not calling me either. that’s a nice unspoken agreement clean. if we run into each other, we’re thrilled and it is a GOOD five minutes standing there and catching up because it is only five minutes instead of a painful 45minutes-2hour encounter, and because more time has elapsed. that is one of the guilt free clutter cleansings.
however, i think this is only possible if THEY are ready to clear their clutter as well. it is tough to say to a person, "yes, well i’ve moved on and i want to make time for other friends", particularly if you shared a tough time together. "sorry, you remind me of sad times."
i survey my RT and internet friends, and especially given that hong kong is so transient, i really don’t think that magnificent and i have any friends we’ve moved on from. i am happy to say we have people we have moved towards, but there is no one that we spend time with that i would rather not. there have been couples that we spent time with and then their priorities (they do a lot of rowing, they wanted to get together sunday mornings for hikes when we would be in church…)were different from ours. so i can say yes, i have been a thrower and i have been thrown, and it wasn’t tough at all. the booklet does have a point.
do you have friends that are more like obligations? would you want to clear them?
Reader interactions
13 Replies to “”
Hey Tess,
Don’t you ever toss me, baby!
Hope you are having a wonderful time with your family!
Now, I wish we still lived in YK, cuz’ then we could see you!
Hugs,
Karen
i had several replies run through my mind.
1. so, is this why you didn’t call me back? okay, i can take a hint.
2. ditch the book and keep the friends. really this about sums up my whole thoughts.
3. i live in a college town. most of my friends here have been transient. i have good friends for a few years and then they go away. personally, i think that sucks. i always wonder what happened to Eve and Diane and….
now, that said, i don’t think all friends require the same amount of investment. there’s no shame in having someone as a friend that you call once a year because they have moved to california and you lost touch, but it’s good to spend a couple of hours on the phone once in a while just to catch up. we may go through phases where we lose touch with one friend or another, but if circumstances change you know they will fit right back into your life.
maybe it’s just a problem with definitions. i don’t easily call people friends, but once i do, they are usually always friends, even if i only talk to them once every few years. a friend’s definition of a true friend: do they pass the 3 am test? if your car is broken down in micanopy at 3 am, can you call them and have them come and rescue you (grumpy maybe, but be there nonetheless)? i’ll be there, but just remember to yell into the answering machine to wake me up :).
I did have some – but I purged them!
Glad to hear the trip was nice.
A friend, especially someone who has helped you through a hard time, should never be discarded like last week’s leftover take-out. You may not see each other as much, or have as many things in common, but maintaining ties is not that difficult, especially with the ease of email and blogs. Dropping friends because they no longer fit your schedule or lifestyle is a sad excuse.
I have friends from all parts of my past — and although we now lead very different lives than we did then, it is still fun to reconnect once and awhile to learn what is new, and share our changing views.
Meeting at a coffee house for an hour when an old friend is in town, jotting off a congratulatory note in response to a birth announcement, and sending e-photos to a far away friend is not that hard.
Just as you should never burn bridges, you should never discard a true friend as a matter of conveniece to yourself. You never know what the future holds, and how an old friend may be of comfort to you, or how you may be able to repay their kindness. There may be many new friends in your future, but the old ones are just as valuable.
Toss advice books, not friends!
Can we dump relatives we don’t like too?
Here we end up with jugh Christmas card lists – full of people we haven’t talked to in years and years but just send cards to filled with stories of now that they don’t relate to. When we moved to Vegas we misplaced the list, and after two years are down to only six or so cards – yea!
Tess, When I read the logistics you and Charles went through to get to the airport and make the flight I was in awe (as well as amused). Take it from somebody who flew for 20 years, I only wish other people were that prepared when they got an a flight. You should be writing organizational books, not reading them! Have a wonderful time in Canada.
This booklet sounds interesting, is the author someone you think you’d be friends with?
I think some friendships do ebb and flow, and I have had one or two with a 10 year expiry date but most just tick on quite effortlessly. Typically we support/enjoy/respect each other similarly. We also have similar needs for connection and friendship –
I think it becomes tough to retell ‘your story’ and reframe your vulnerabilities to a whole roster of new friends in leap year cycles. It’s hard to think of people as clutter, (this author is a wee bit cooool of heart) in that the purpose of friendship isn’t just to prop one up until a crisis is over.
Most of my friendships become more rewarding with every major life crisis we endure/share/support each other with. I can’t imagine a friendship for only one season! Heavens to betsy, I think of a young friendship as one that is only 5 years old!
Like you and MC, I don’t have any friends who I’ve moved on from – unless their values are way out of sync with mine or they aren’t my cup of tea. I’ll never forget going to a woman’s 40th birthday party, and of 12 of us who were there – she had only 1 friend who had known her more than 3 or 4 years. I thought it was very strange and odd that nobody has been in her life for very long…but she liked to rid her life of clutter. She has pretty dust-free shelves but doesn’t have any shared-journey friends. That being said, she (and many) is more destination than journey-oriented. Different strokes for different folks!
Yes. I have tossed and been tossed and such is life. Everyone is constantly changing and change is good.
Recently I had a friend/neighbor who I was ready to strangle out of frustration. She could just not understand why I did not want to be with her every possible moment/event/phone call. With 3 young kids to her all grown up ones it got to be a bit much. With call display, a lot of “No’s”, and careful planning on my part, we seem to have reached a compromising balance. Now when we see each other it is nice. We have a shared interest in the arts and that carries us through.
But yes, I so know what you mean about outgrown friendships. Interesting post for sure.
I have an awful lot of friends who I miss dearly that have fallen by the wayside because life happened, and now I don’t know where they are.
BUT I have one “friend” who I only see because she is still friends with a good friend of mine. We are in different stages in our lives. I’m married, settled, she’s going through a rebellious period that she didn’t have when the rest of us did in college. As a result, I’m sure that she thinks that I’m a boring old maid, and I think that she needs to grow up and move out of her parents house. But I digress! If it weren’t for common friends, I wouldn’t see her and I would be fine with it.
I do have a “friend” that I refer to as an acquiantance now because of past issues. I tried to clear her out of my life simply by telling her so but it didn’t work because of other things we have in common – 2 husbands that are close friends. I still feel like I want her out of my life but I can’t because of the hubby issue. Some “friends” are destructive so I think cleaning the people clutter from one’s life can be good thing for some people. Maybe not for you because it sounds like you have some wonderful friends!
As I approach the (dreaded) 50th b’day, I think that I need to clutter out lots of clutter from my life…and perhaps “people clutter” is one kind of clutter that I really need to look at. It’s a time to make a clean break from people that I really don’t have anything in common with anymore. I can trim that Christmas card list way down. No need to enter the next part of my life with unnecessary people bogging me down…
I agree with the book, especially the part that says you make certain friends for certain periods / needs in your life. Some you keep, some you dont.
Yes, keep me around. I have few friends and cherish every single one that I have.
I do believe in people clutter in regards to co-workers. Some people are just around for the time needed.