although the v. has ceased and the d. is not as vehement, today, which so far is no more/less chaotic than any other day in my (or more accurately) the babies’ existence, i feel like blaming someone for my life. my generation is encouraged to have no ownership of our issues, suits me just fine.

embryologists (definitely), acupuncturists (obviously), doctors (indeed), the proficiency of magnificent charles’ as drug injector, (what else would you expect?), the prayers of our church and small group (Excellent!), the friends that recommended this doctor as the best (of course)..all are contributors to my state of four children under three.

but the real blame goes to jennifer pryznyk. or bond, depending on when you knew her. i WILL include both her last names because she deserves universal recognition. the fact that she is beautiful and intelligent does not factor into the tale or the blame.

but she had a baby. a beautiful (and large, dare i remind her?) baby girl, hannah. i was 24 at the time, and previous to the arrival of hannah, babies were not a huge concern in my life. i had married friends by then, but i had never really considered them as something i had wanted. marriage, i thought i wanted, but i never factored babeolas into the equation.

although jennifer and i weren’t particularly close growing up (although thanks to our mothers we knew more about each other than our best friends did), from the moment hannah arrived, i watched jennifer carefully. i saw her driving a car, waving to mum and i, with hannah carefully buckled into the back seat capsule.

she would come over, pulling hannah in a sled. she would hold hannah in her lap, scanning the floor for possibly harmful items, then putting her girl down.

although hannah grew hair and teeth rapidly, jennifer changed even faster. i was fascinated. i didn’t see her very often, but when i did, there was this growing dimension to her that astounded me. jennifer had accepted that jennifer wasn’t her first concern any more, and that thought appalled selfish me. how could anyone be this way?

and hannah, was a fascinating child. not spoiled at all. in fact, hannah should shoulder part of the blame for my current state as well. she was charming, even then. loving sushi and mexican (the way to my heart, through food) at an early age, polite. talking to her was interesting, mainly because i could see jennifer’s hours of patience, reptition and love coming into action.

i wonder what it would be like? i thought as we celebrated hannah’s first Christmas.

i wonder if i could ever do it? i thought at hannah’s first birthday.

i wonder if it is as hard as it looks?

i wonder if i could love someone so dependent that much. and deal with the relentless routine of standing up just seconds after you finally sat down, eating cold meals, answering the endless stream of questions, gently removing hands, diverting attention…..i wonder if i could.

because i think i want to.

the tag team of jennifer and hannah planted that seed, but it wasn’t until i met magnificent that the root took hold and grew.

and then, after years of infertility and frustration, that root became a family tree.

thank you.